The clock is cruel. 3:41 a.m. Apparently it’s never heard of the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I am awake, craving a protein bar of all things. However, just when I think I’m too alert to sleep, I look at the screen and find three pages of the letter n. Why n? It’s not even on the home row of keys. I fear the world will never know. A protein bar waits.
Wellbeing
Success or failure?
It may seem I’ve been gone for a while, but it’s not true. I’ve been here and there. I’ve just been invisible for a while. You would think I was agonizing over a feature article for the newspaper. I have two or three posts in the queue (not counting countless, abandoned ones) that are “mostly done” but I can’t bring myself to finish/post. You’ve already heard me moan about one of them so I’ll move on. It brings me to another subject I think about from time to time: what is success? I’m thinking in terms of a whole life [...]
Feeling safe until I don’t
Work is a safe zone. It’s one of the few places I can speak freely. It’s one of the few places I feel competent, where I can act and speak with confidence. But it’s fragile state. It’s not just the people I work with, though they are great (my second family). It’s the setting. It’s the subject matter of most discussions, or the ones most likely to come up. It all combines to create a comfort zone that exists in too few places in my world. Every three months we’re allowed to take a long lunch as a team. It’s [...]
A wee bit cold
I’m smart enough to know that things are relative, especially when we say it’s cold in Florida. It’s 43F this morning, deep-deep in the relativity range temperature wise. Pardon me while I steam up for a bit. I’m overhearing the latest “there’s been no significant warming in the last 15 years” rant from the local ignoramus. It’s too early to get angry. It’s too early to get angry…. Someone, say, in Maine, Canada, or even Alaska, might look at 43F on the thermometer and boast about shorts and beaches. Then again, a scientist at McMurdo Station might look at 43F [...]
At night
Here’s some rambling from this weekend I wasn’t going to post, but today I’m thinking, “what the heck.” It’s dark and it’s good. I’ve taken to Cochin as the default font on my text editor, not that you’d notice. It has nothing to do with the darkness, but there’s plenty of time to get to that. I go back and forth, serifs – no serifs. Sometimes the flourishes bug me, as if they’re a waste of pixels, and pixels are something precious. Usually it means it’s time for Helvetica. Yeah, plain old Helvetica. But not now. It may be dark, [...]
Lead us not into temptation
I could take this title in a lot of different directions, but I don’t think you saw this one coming. Or maybe you did. My readers tend to be the thoughtful type. Don’t you dare laugh. The good, church going folks among you might think I’m talking about sin, but I’m not… not in the Biblical sense anyway. No, my transgressions only hurt one person: myself. I’ve sinned against myself, in thought, word, and deed. A few days ago I took up caffeine again. Dun-dun-dun, DAAAAAAAAAA! That’s right folks, my doctors may be saying no, but my mind and body [...]
Holding the line
There are no changes on the blood front, which is decent news. Part of me would like the hairy cells to get busy so I can do the chemotherapy and get it over with already. But if I think really hard, I can remember what it was like last time. Most of me is good with putting it off. The cure is much worse than the disease.
My mastery of the obvious wanes
Common sense struck fourteen hours too late today. You should know this already, but if not, take this opportunity to learn from others’ mistakes. How did I become an other? Oh woe is me! Am I the mother of all others? If there’s any chance a doctor’s appointment may cause worry, for God’s sake people, take the morning appointment! How it fits into your work schedule should be WAY down on your list of priorities, unless for some reason missing time at work will cause more anxiety than the long wait. In that case, you have no alternative. Take two [...]
Ready or not
I was mentally prepared for my doctor’s appointment on Friday. By prepared I mean it was sufficiently far off in the future I hadn’t thought about it. His office called me this afternoon, asking if they could bump it up to tomorrow. No, I’m not ready. “Yeah, that’ll be fine. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.” Ugh. So tomorrow it is. Another date with my oncologist. There’s no reason to worry. But that doesn’t mean I won’t.
Good night
There’s only one problem. There’s just one thing that would make this night perfect. Less light. It’s a little past midnight, our first night on the shore. The kids have gone to bed. The adults have found other things to do. I’m alone on the patio looking out at the black, rumbling abyss that is the Atlantic Ocean, and I am at peace. I’m a warm blooded Floridian, so the mid 60′s is a bit nippy, even in my best flannels (PJs), but the complete absence of man and his influence (besides the light) is all too rare in my [...]
