I am the very model of a modern major league punch-line

The owner of our beleaguered little baseball team has more than his fair share of bad press. Whether or not it is deserved is for others to decide. I’m interested in the press release the team recently made available, after Vince was accused of throwing a tantrum in front of a group of fans. A team spokesman reported that the Rays had conducted their own internal investigation, and determined that Mr. Naimoli had done nothing wrong. Here’s an excerpt from that internal report,

DISCLAIMER: A real excerpt of the actual text of the report does not follow. I’ve wholly invented my own version for the expressed purpose of entertaining myself. I am, after all, my own most loyal fan.

“Mr. Naimoli is a kind, loving, easygoing, and charitable man. The very idea that he would yell at a fan is unfathomable. Our own, hand picked, witnesses to the alleged “incident” concur that the gentleman that signs our paychecks is guilty of no wrong doing. We understand that misunderstandings will occasionally happen, and this organization is willing to forgive and forget. We therefore hope that the confused fans in question will continue to purchase full price tickets to our home games this season.”