Classroom lectures were never my favorite pastime, even for subjects I find interesting. Classroom lectures on the “dry subjects,” (which include but are not limited to: money, accounting, organization policy and procedure, and any presentation which calls for the use of the word “tax” more than 2.5 times in a given session) have the sedative effect of 200 milligrams of Thorazine. Classroom lectures on the “dry subjects,” stretched over the course of four days, covering topics already intimately familiar to the attendees, are one of the leading causes of personality disorders in the U.S. (based on 2000 census data*).

Beware the events of next week, poor boy. No, the summer solstice is not normally cause for concern. I’m afraid of four days of training hell, and the impact it may have on my will to live. I’ve suggested to my superiors that some form of special compensation is called for, perhaps some form of hazard pay? As one could expect, that went over like a lead balloon filled with mercury, tethered to a brick of osmium. For those of you not familiar with the elemental arts, osmium (atomic number 76) is a blue-gray or blue-black, very hard, brittle, polyvalent metallic element with a high melting point that is used in hard alloys.

Aren’t you glad you tuned in today?

*No, not really.