• Advanced driving techniques

    Good afternoon boys and girls, my name is Mr. Kauffman and I’ll be your instructor in Advanced Driving Techniques. We’re going to jump right in this afternoon, but first I wanted to start you off with a little primer.

    The most important, least understood, and most rewarding concept in advanced driving techniques is watching where you are going. That’s right – I’m talking about pointing the little windows to your soul in the direction of travel. Sound simple? You’d be surprised. I’ve seen a lot of things in my seventeen years of advanced driving, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that being a watchful driver is a lonely experience. Slowly pulling out of a parking space, watching another driver pull out across from you without looking (after you are already half way out), stopping short to give the nincompoop plenty of room, and seeing that driver come within a hair’s breath of delivering you unto insurance purgatory before looking up with shock and blowing their horn AT YOU, is just one of the many trials awaiting you in the asphalt jungle. Even Job would be tempted to throw a little rage around, yet you are going to be expected to turn the other cheek. Still think it will be easy? Call me when you pop your first blood vessel and we’ll talk.

  • Electric company

    Another weekend, another hurricane, ho hum. We once again found ourselves an island of electricity in a sea of powerlessness. We once again had some family and friends over to share our power, and generally had a good time. My good time was sponsored by Mikes Hard Limeade, the premium malt beverage with the refreshing taste of lime. Live hard. Drink Mike’s.

    There’s nothing like a Bucs game to ruin a perfectly good hurricane. At least the Gators won.

    Now if I just had a better way of cleaning up after the storm, I guess that’s what sons are for. In the mean time I need to score me some Motrin. Pardon me, the medicine cabinet awaits,

  • Fear and loathing in suburbia

    What is the worst thing that could happen at Starbucks? I found out today. I was looking to make use of my Starbucks card (a much appreciated thank you gift from one of my co-workers), so we stopped by there on our way home from Beth’s haircut. Well unless Chicago is on the way from Seattle to Los Angeles, I guess Starbucks was not exactly on the way, but what the hell. I could use a little pick me up. We got there and I ordered my usual. “What exactly is your usual?” the cafe consultant asked. I always wanted to go somewhere and ask for the usual. Giving the low wage earner behind the counter a hard time was just a bonus.

    It turns out revenge is sweet, even when it’s a Grande Cafe Vanilla Frappuccino. We ordered. We drank our coffee. We went home. Before I went to Starbucks, I was tired. After we arrived home, I was still tired.

    And then it hit me.

    I was still tired? Sweet mother caffeinated beverages, I still hadn’t been “picked up.” Even after slamming a Grande Cafe Vanilla Frappuccino? Did they hold the caffeine? Is this what they mean by “reaping what you sow?” For the love of Pete, why did I have to give the coffee attendant a hard time? Why Starbucks, Why hast thou forsaken me?

    I woke with a start. It was all a dream. A terrible, terrible dream. From this time forth, I will always treat the good folks at Starbucks right. When you hold the tiller on the good ship Starbucks, you wield a great deal of power and you deserve your patron’s respect. With my hand over my heart, I pledge to be a good boy.