Wouldn’t the world be a happier place if everyone could listen to music, good music, where ever we went? Just think, no one would be left at the mercy of waiting room muzak again. Personally, I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about the veneer of calm that elevator muzak represents. “Why do I need to be calm? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? IS THAT THE CABLE BREAKING?!?” Stand with me and shout to the world “NOT TODAY MY FRIEND.”

Newly enshrined among the legions of cool, I go forth with my new 20 gigabyte iPod* to beat back the musical tyranny of public spaces. Never again will I be lulled into unsuspecting serenity by sweet nothings whispered in my ear, from hidden speakers in the ceilings of America. My wit will remain sharp. My attention will be keen. My heart rate will remain elevated. I will not succumb.

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Imagine if all consumer product advertising was held to the same standards as prescription medication,

“Using iPod* may cause hearing loss, headache, Tinnitus, attention deficit, hypertension, and embarrassing displays of enthusiasm. If you are easily embarrassed, or if you work with heavy equipment in public spaces, then iPod* may not be right for you.”

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Regular readers may be surprised by this apparent purchase. Yes, my wife finally wilted under the strain of consistently applied pressure. My advice for bending the will of your spouse reads like a first-aid handbook, apply pressure and hold. Once again, I AM THE CHAMPION! Take heart, faithful readers. Heed my example. You too can finesse the marital fiscal binds that restrict our discretionary spending. It is possible. It can be done. Cool CAN be had in a small, $300 box. (Act now, free laser engraving from the online store is only available for a limited time!).

* iPod is a registered trademark of Apple Computer, and has been used here without their permission. Questions or complaints about the use of this registered trademark should be directed to: The Committee to Re-elect Dubya, at: www.thecowboyconservative.com.