Despite evidence to the contrary, I think I’m capable of as much holiday spirit as the next guy. However, I must confess that I’m no longer impressed by holiday noise makers. Dancing Coke cans and singing Christmas trees were cute for about three minutes. Small devices that “beep” out various tunes stopped being cute in 1986. Articles of clothing with built-in noisemakers were never cute. As a matter of principle, I’m against any piece of clothing that requires batteries.

And yet, that’s just what I witnessed in the halls of state government this morning. A state employee with excess cheer was walking down the hall, accompanied by her own soundtrack.

“Where is that sound coming from?”
“Oh, that’s just my sweater.”

Is this a prime example of holiday schmaltz or am I becoming prematurely gruff? The whole thing was a little frightening actually. The sight of this person, full of holiday cheer, put my fight/flight instincts into overdrive. Maybe it had something to do with my foul mood at the time. Surely, no good can come from such polarized moods coming into contact with one another. I’m not a really big Star Trek fan, but the first thing that comes to mind is the anti-matter containment field failing. That’s when anti-matter comes into contact with matter, and you get a really big BOOM. Pretty much the same thing happens when holiday schmaltz comes into contact with sleep deprived torpor, right?

Who knows? If asked, the woman with the beeping sweater may have had something against my frayed Dockers and faded polo shirt. Come to think of it, I really look like a bum this morning.