My diabolical plot to sneak into Costco

For those of you who don’t know, Costco is one of those membership only, discount warehouses… one of those places where you can get tartar sauce in a convenient 8 gallon “party pack.” (You never have to embarrass yourself at a fish-fry again.) It so happens that my in-laws are members, and we take appropriate advantage now and again. Yesterday afternoon was one such occasion.

Cheryl and I were employing the “divide and conquer” strategy of shopping: me at Target and her at Costco with the folks. I got done early at Target and thought it would be cool to surprise her at Costco. Just one problem: I don’t have a membership card. You see, they guard the entrance to Costco like a jealous spouse. Not just ANYONE can walk the hallowed halls of retail nirvana. You’ve got to show proof of membership; proof that you’ve ponied up the fee to join. Not that you could BUY anything, even if you got in; they scan the card at check-out. If you ask me they ought to encourage non-members to walk around… to see what they’re missing. After all, who isn’t impressed with enough tartar sauce to float a VW Beetle?

I decided that I would test the Costco Corporate Resolve. I would talk my way into Costco, or embarrass myself trying. I walk up to the ID checker like I know where I’m going, without any sign that I’m going to stop to show proof of membership. The ID checker stops me short, five paces beyond the threshold, requesting ID. I feign innocence, insisting my wife is already inside (which is true) and the ID is with her (which is KIND of true – the ID is with her mother, who is also with her). When the ID checker apologizes I get indignant. “Come on,” I say, “its not like you’re guarding state secrets in there, I just want to find my wife and kids,” playing the good father, family guy card for all it’s worth. When the ID guy still refuses I feign irritation, whipping out my cell phone to call my wife inside, muttering: “I hope she’s getting a frigging signal in there… I wouldn’t want to be you when my wife gets pissed dragging the kids around alone in there.”

As it turns out my gambit worked like a charm, it just wasn’t as difficult as I had hoped. I never got to do my spiel because they never asked for my card. I only got as far as my confident walk… right past the guy next to me as HE got carded. I walked right in without having to say a word.

What a disappointment.

Give the gift of words.