I always knew I was the top gun and this year I’m finally getting my due. Friends know me as the maverick. I’m the reformer with results. My crowning acheivement was campaign finance reform, and I’m really proud of it. My fellow conservatives were madder than hell with me for a little while, but it’s not like it kept the RNC from funneling millions into “hybrid” ads. It all worked out in the end.
Friends, I know it hasn’t been all peaches and cream. I’ve had a few set backs. I was bushwhacked in my last run for the White House. My efforts to avoid Bush’s big tax cuts in 2001 didn’t work out. My progressive friends weren’t enough to get us past a filibuster in the Senate on imigration reform, let alone a possible veto by my new friend dubya; who’s so squirelly these days I don’t know wether he’s going to say something innane or dart out into traffic. Then again I’m not much better these days, so who am I to say?
But I’ll be a reformer till the day I die, and I’ve finally found something I can reform that’s assured success: my reputation.
Bush tax cuts? I love ’em now.
Imigration? I don’t know what the f— I was thinking! Secure those borders now! Son, when I say build a fence all I want to hear from you is “How high?!?”
Off shore drilling? Drill baby drill!
A history of appealing to the political middle? I’d like you to meet the most concervative woman runningmate I could find. Look-it her shooting wolves from an airplane. If that doesn’t make a gun-nut’s heart flutter they don’t have a heartbeat.
Honesty and integrity in politics? Hey, did you hear the one about my opponent teaching kindergartners about condoms, his staff calling my running-mate a white-trash whore, or his secret plan to triple your taxes?
OOH! I’ve got it! You can call me “the reformed maverick.”
I’m John McCain and I approved this fiction.