• The sleep affair

    I love sleeping in on the weekend. Who doesn’t? It would be un-American.

    I opened my eyes, noticed light was coming in through the window, and luxuriated in the feeling of a Saturday just getting started. No plans, that my sleep-fogged mind could recall. It was the ultimate “living in the moment” moment. Bed, blanket, pillow… all my best friends were there. I heard Beth through the closed door, asking Cheryl about a mug.

    What a wife! She’s up, in a bit of pain, letting me sleep in… take a break.

    I’m filled with love.

    The fog starts to recede.

    Is it really Saturday? Am I really free?

    The fog doesn’t go away, but it slides away in all the wrong places. I remember leaving work with a headache. I remember laying down in bed with the shades drawn and hoping for sleep.

    It’s not Saturday morning. It’s late Tuesday afternoon.

    Curses!

    Alright, so it’s not Saturday. My head doesn’t hurt anymore. That’s something.

  • Is it getting lighter in here?

    There’s a chance you won’t like me a few sentences from now.

    I’ve lost almost 40 pounds this year, but I haven’t been trying.

    Some of you know I have regular blood tests – and not because you’re my doctor. One day I may regret speaking so openly about myself. So much for my dream of one day being named ambassdor to Iceland. Although they’ve always given me a clean bill on the cancer front, they’re setting off klaxons on the metabolism front. Alright, it’s really not that bad, but I like the word klaxon.

    Red meats are off the menu, as are many sugars and starches. I carefully track the foods I eat on a dandy little app on my phone. That’s how I know. Eight pm rolls around and I’m often WAY under my recommended calorie intake for the day. Many nights I’m breaking out the snacks just to get within a couple hundred calories of where I should be. And I’m not hungry.

    I’m not starving myself. I eat little (healthy) snacks throughout the day. My doctor was surprised by my weight loss, but not alarmed, so maybe I shouldn’t worry. But 40 pounds? My weight got a little out of control after I got out of the hospital two years ago, but I wasn’t close to obese. Now twenty percent of my body is gone. What if there was something in that fifth I liked?

    I’m going to need more reassurance from my doctor the next time I see her. Don’t get me started with the insurance problems I’m having with my oncologist. I’ve cancelled my last two appointments waiting for the contract to be finalized between my insurance company and his new practice. Cheryl’s gonna have a nervous breakdown and order me to pay the damn bill as a self-pay patient.

    Oops! I guess I got started.

    People who know my history come up to me with concern in their eyes. “Are you ok? You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight.” I’m not sure how to answer. Do I tell them the truth? “I think I’m ok, and I appretiate the concern and all, but you’re freaking me out a little.”

  • Words versus reality

    I work with words. When I was in school I thought it would be cool to be able to help people with words. I even got a degree towards that end. A few stints volunteering ended badly, and what was to be the first degree became the only degree.

    But then I ended up working as a counselor for a non-profit, job training program. I worked with kids trying to get their G.E.D., and adults trying to retrain themselves after disability took a previous occupation. I was fresh out of school, I didn’t know what I was doing, and somehow I helped anyway. With just words.

    I do something different for the government, but kind of the same too… sometimes. Only, these days words don’t seem to help much. More and more, people see me because they have urgent problems… and ALL I have is words.

    It’s not depression, stress, or my private life. All of those things have been around before, but I’ve been able to set them aside for the sake of the person in front of me. Sometimes it’s been the only reason my depression allows itself to be set aside.

    God, I hope I can do someone some good tomorrow.