• It’s great to be a Florida Gator

    In my freshman year of college my school hired an alumnus to coach it’s football program. From the first game he coached (in my sophomore year) until he left, he was constantly quoted in the press saying that there was one championship that he and his players had some control over, and that was the one championship that was his goal going into every season. That was their conference championship.

    I’m several years removed from my college days now, and I can’t go to games with any regular frequency anymore, but I still watch… I’m still a fan… I’m still on the wagon, whether the band’s along for the ride or not. This year Florida had a pretty tough road to travel: including a tough schedule with several of their big rivals on the road. They had a tough season, with the dismissal of arguably their best player (due to drug use) coming mid-season. With injuries they finished the season with two reserve offensive linemen… and one of those was a tight end that kept a different pair of shoulder pads on the sideline in case he had to fill in as a tackle. In the first half they lost their third leading tackler on defense (the starting safety), and arguably their best remaining defensive lineman – two key defensive players, to injury. Yet they played on, as they did the whole season, and they won the one championship they had any control over: the SEC championship.

    Now there’s going to be a debate: who should play Ohio State for a national title? As a Gator fan, I’m tempted to say that team should be UF. But you know what? I can’t say it in good conscience. Florida owed their one and only national title to a rematch game… one that shaped up sort of like the Ohio State / Michigan game will undoubtedly shape up (the differences being UF was number one when they lost to number two FSU – and when they lost, later in the season, they dropped to number four).

    With more twists than a season of Lost, UF made it to the Bowl Alliance game (the precursor to the Bowl Championship Series) after the ’96 season. The only reason their victory in the Bowl Alliance game over FSU got them the national title (they were ranked number three going into the game) is because the Rose Bowl was not yet part of the Bowl Alliance, and the PAC-10 champ after the regular season, Arizona State (#2 going into the Rose Bowl) was bound to playing in the Rose Bowl… where they lost. Don’t forget the series of events that got the Gators into the Bowl Alliance game in the first place (namely the BIG upset in the Big Twelve Conference Championship Game where Texas knocked off #3 Nebraska). And THEN, had the Rose Bowl not held out of the bowl alliance, Arizona State would have been playing FSU for the Championship by virtue of their better ranking.

    So to recap ’96: #1 UF loses to #2 FSU in the last regular season game. FSU moves to #1, Arizona State to #2, Nebraska to #3, and UF to 4 (I may have the Arizona and Nebraska rankings mixed up). Nebraska loses their conference championship, moving ASU to #2 and UF to #3. However, ASU is forced into playing in the Rose Bowl, which isn’t part of the Bowl Alliance, and which allows UF a rematch against FSU. Arizona State loses in the Rose Bowl and UF beats FSU in their rematch… giving UF the title. At the time Spurrier said God must have been a Gator fan. Usually I don’t think God is much of a sports fan… but the way it worked out this might have been an exception.

    So you see, I can’t begrudge Michigan their second shot at Ohio State. UF is hardly in a position to argue… considering their history.

    The only real argument here is for a playoff – which will probably never happen. Although, never is a long time.

    **Correction (12/3): this entry previously identified Ohio State as the loser of the ’97 Rose Bowl. In fact, Arizona State went into the Rose Bowl #2… and lost to OSU (as this entry now states).

  • Regret with cause

    You usually don’t have regret without some cause, but I thought it sounded good… so there you have it.

    Earlier in the week my wife said she needed to get a gift for a shower she was attending. I told her I would get it for her… because that’s just the kind of guy I am. Armed with a name and coordinates of ground zero for the registry, I made my way to everyone’s favorite Minnesota-based retailer. Thirty minutes later I was standing in line to purchase a gift. I placed the gift on the consumer goods treadmill, with the registry printout placed conspicuously ON TOP of the gift. When my turn came, the cashier picked up the printout, handed it to me, scanned the gift, and asked for my money (with a lisp, speaking around a conspicuous decorative ornament piercing his tongue) – which I gave him. Without the heretofore expected (and assumed obligatory) “have a nice day,” the appointed face of corporate good will turned to address the spending needs of the next customer.

    “Ah, wait a second,” I interrupted, “Don’t you need to do something with the registry?”

    “If you had told me about it before I would have, but now it’ss too late.” (Note the lisp.)

    “I’m sorry. You’re right; I probably should have said something, but I thought you might have noticed the registry when you picked it up to hand it back to me. Are you sure it’s too late?”

    “…” (Astute readers recognize this as the sound of the blank stare of condescension.)

    I almost used a variation of a tactic I’ve learned is extremely effective with my school age daughter… “If I went and spoke to your supervisor, do you think he would say the same thing?” Alas, I proved to be just as lazy as Mr. Tongue; I left without further comment or effort. In my defense, I was really tired – but this entry isn’t about excuses, it’s about accepting blame. There’s a poor gift recipient out there with a duplicate gift that needs returning, and I must face the fact that I am partly to blame.

    Still, I wouldn’t have minded taking a tug on that kid’s tongue ring, saying “Do you want to sound like you’ve lost motor control over your tongue? Throw in a Philly accent and you could be in the next Rocky movie.” (Provided I had a pair of surgical gloves with me).

  • An excerpt from a favorite writer of mine

    Tuesday Morning Quarterback has long been on the placebo case. In 2004, I noted studies showing that placebos are efficacious and said it was unfair that only those who participate in clinical trials enjoy the benefits of placebos. I asked, “If sugar pills actually work, why aren’t placebos a standard treatment given by doctors and hospitals? The answer is that placebos aren’t expensive enough!” At the risk of quoting myself, let me quote what followed: “Therefore I plan to make my fortune by marketing the incredible new drug Placebon. A patented, proprietary formula consisting entirely of sugar, Placebon will revolutionize medicine. Elaborately packaged in individual foil doses, Placebon will be obtained only with a doctor’s prescription. Placebon will be the subject of a multimillion-dollar marketing campaign consisting of costly television advertising and full-page magazine ads with hundreds of words in disclaimers. In the TV ads, smiling multicultural people will run through fields of wild flowers laughing and embracing, but the announcer will never give the slightest hint what the drug is for.”

    Here was the rest of my plan: “Placebon will be extremely expensive, thus increasing demand. Pharmaceutical companies will treat doctors to lavish dinners, send them on all-expense-paid cruises and hand out handsome ‘consulting’ fees to get them to prescribe Placebon. Controlled clinical studies will fail to show that Placebon is any more effective than breathing, but the manufacturer will lobby the Food and Drug Administration not to report this. Celebrities will be hired to have public breakdowns, then make spectacular recoveries by taking Placebon. A saccharine version, Diet Placebon, will be marketed. Initially, many insurers will refuse to pay for Placebon. But as senior citizens stream across the Canadian border to buy low-cost government-subsidized Placebon, politicians will demand that insurers pay, and the health care share of the GDP will rise again. Eventually a generic will be available at discount, while the patent holder makes a tiny molecular change in order to maintain proprietary pricing of advanced Placebon 24″, a longer-lasting version. By converting the placebo from cheap to extremely expensive, Placebon will expand the benefits of the placebo effect from a tiny few who participate in clinical trials to millions of Americans.”

    Warning: Do not take Placebon if you are pregnant or not pregnant. Product not suitable for anyone who is tall or short or not tall or not short. Side effects may include pneumonia, cancer, bubonic plague and amputation. If you had trouble getting dates in high school, Placebon may not be right for you. Do not operate tunnel-boring machinery or artillery after taking Placebon. Never take Placebon or any prescription drug without first paying a large sum to a doctor.

    – Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN.com