• The most recent temptation of John

    I was reaching for the sweet nectar of life (another shot of caffeine please), when something gave me pause. It was my stomach. My stomach was telling me that it wanted something to eat – to ease the strain of another caffeine infusion. So I went into my desk drawer, to root through my personal cache wholesome snacks. Ah, but sitting right there next to my crackers was the initial source of my trepidation: two stray quarters. Fifty cents won’t buy you a lot these days, but it will buy you something more tempting to your palate than crackers. It took all of three seconds to weigh my choices.

    I saw a Baby Ruth bar in the snack machine the other day.

    Without conscious thought I found myself walking to the break room. Just like that, I was on my way to milk chocolate, creamy nougat, rich caramel, crunchy peanut, finger licking bliss.

    And then it happened again.

    Sitting there next to the snack machine, perched confidently on the break room table, sat a collection of Dunkin’ Doughnut’s finest. I looked at my palm, at the two quarters resting there and thought about what they represented. I looked back at the table, at the doughnuts looking so glazed – so fresh – so undeniably tasty. What do I choose? How can this be happening to me? What would Richard Simmons do?

    And then it hit me. Where’s the fun in being an American pig if I can’t have both? After all, being an American pig means not having to choose, right? So I had my doughnut and ate my Baby Ruth too. My guilty pleasures safely packed away, and my place in the world once again secure, I was ready to go forth and produce (I am at work, after all).

  • Another lesson learned in the classroom of life

    (Spare bathroom, Kauffman Household v2.3) Your tour guide through the psyche of a middle-class everyman, and the undisputed master of his domain, was studying his profile in the bathroom mirror this evening when he made an astounding discovery. Weight gain can change the shape of the human head; and with this change in shape, the eyes can be made to look closer together.

    U.S. Airways is offering one-way travel from Tampa, FL to Stockholm, Sweden for $1519.00.

  • And then there was one

    There is a fog of contentment when your child is born. Those first days in the hospital are exhausting, yet exhilarating.

    And then the baby comes home.

    By the end of the first week you are still exhausted, but by now the exhilaration has worn off, leaving just the exhaustion. Midnight feedings and three a.m. diaper changes become the rule. Six hours of sleep becomes a really good night. Caffeine becomes more important than football.

    And then it happens.

    Like something inspired by Rod Serling, you wake up to the rising sun. Just like that, another one of life’s great milestones has passed you by. Your first driver’s license, your first rated ‘R’ movie, your first time retching behind the bushes at your friend’s house after having too much to drink, and now, perhaps the best of them all, the first time your child sleeps through the night.