• Miserly ways

    You can always tell how cheap someone is by how well they take to spending money. Moments ago I was compelled to pony up $200, and found myself in the throws of apoplexy.

    Yes, it went that well.

    In order for you to fully appreciate this tale of woe, you have to go back to the summer of 1998. It was hotter than Hades outside and we were just finishing moving into our new house. That was the first time our A/C needed some work. It has been a little over six years since that first overhaul of our central air system, and we’ve easily spent three times more on A/C repair than the principal payments we made on the house.

    This morning we were told that our one year old, fully programmable, state-of-the-art, heat pump thermostat was broken. So that’s why our one week old, brand spankin’ new heat pump wasn’t producing heat! In almost any other context I would be overjoyed at the prospect of replacing a thermostat – better that than a compressor unit or an air-handler, right? Having recently replaced everything else in our A/C system (part of a cycle that has been more frequent than the rate we replace shower curtains), I was not keen on replacing our one year old, fully programmable, state-of-the-art, heat pump thermostat.

    Cheryl has hope. She thinks the thermostat has a warranty. I don’t have the heart to take away her hope. I think the warranty was one year.

    (Untranslatable, loud, and allegedly human noises omitted.)

    I guess anyone willing to spend $200 on a fully programmable, state-of-the-art, heat pump thermostat can’t really be called cheap; but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be happy about it.

  • Law

    Did you hear the one about the Judge who embroidered the Ten Commandments to his robe? He said, “The Ten Commandments can help a judge know the difference between right and wrong.” Personally, I think they ought to wear shinny silk robes with their names embroidered on the back. Then, when they enter the courtroom the bailiff could introduce them in style, “He’s been presiding over this court for ten years, he’s the beast of the brief, the king of the courtroom, his honor and your ruler, Judge – William – Haldeman!” (I made that name up. I don’t mean to criticize any particular Judge.)

    Another thing they could try is embroidering the constitution and state statues on their robe. Some of them could use some reminding about those little things too.

  • A little too cheap to find some relief

    Inertia is a term most often associated with physics, but it can also apply to the sweet science of psychology. What I’m not sure of right now is if something can have varying degrees of inertia, or if inertia is just a universal property. For example, if “John” is just a name for the gestalt that makes me “John,” then I can’t be any more or less “John,” I’m just “John.” However, if “John” describes the amount of physical space that I occupy, then I can be more or less “John” (and judging by my weight I’m more and more “John” every day). Maybe the term I really want is “momentum.” Either way, inertia / momentum, my wardrobe has a lot of it.

    Two days ago my wife was telling me a story. It was another fascinating tale of two members of the XX club on a shopping trip. My wife’s partner on this trip wanted to get her significant other a pair of pants. She wasn’t positive about the size, but she thought it was a “36” (referring to the waist size in inches). My wife was not buying it. “John wears a 34, and there’s no way (censored) is bigger ’round the equator than John.”

    My poor, poor Cheryl; if only she knew. How would she react if she knew the truth… that the waistline of my pants is an engineering marvel, rivaling the Golden Gate Bridge and the Hoover Dam? It is amazing what lengths I will go to avoid clothes shopping. So if Cheryl’s shopping partner is out there, 36 could be the right size (or 38, 40, 42 – let me just finish that last bite of Baby Ruth and I’ll get back to you).