• Expiration

    It’s a noun that means “the last emission of breath,” or “the act or process of releasing air from the lungs through the nose or mouth.”

    But that’s not important right now.

    More importantly, you probably already knew that.

    Most importantly, I’m interested in the fourth definition offered by Merriam and Webster: “the date after which a product should not be sold because of an expected decline in quality or effectiveness.” A piece of the CVS chain of pharmacies sits on a street corner near me, and it was this piece of the chain that sold me a bag of goods (so to speak). I had planned to go in for the death watch that afternoon (re: my allergy shots), and I needed an antihistamine (I was all out at home). So, risking the wrath of my boss (he’s a stickler for promptness) I stopped by CVS on my way to work. I picked up a box of Claritin Reditabs and rushed off to work. Once there, I ripped open the box and popped a Reditab. That miracle of modern pharmacology dissolved in my mouth, and then I noticed the expiration date on the box.

    “EXP 09/04”

    (Insert double take here.)

    Isn’t today November 30th? (This was yesterday, mind you.)

    I had just spent my hard earned money on a box of medicine that expired almost three months ago. Remember, this wasn’t some country store that some independently wealthy guy runs as a hobby – the kind that’s been in business for 30 years, and where you can still find a can of Spam from the grand opening buried somewhere behind the shelf. This was a brand spakin’ new building, a national chain, with that state of the art product inventory technology that only the private sector can provide.

    Three months beyond the expiration date! I don’t think the building is six months old.

    Normally I wouldn’t whine about such a thing, but, oh come on, who am I kidding? Of course I would. Perhaps the question I should be asking myself is not, “why can this kind of thing happen,” but rather, “why am I surprised?”

  • Mugged

    Do you know someone who has a disgusting coffee mug? Don’t we all know someone who refuses to take their mug home to wash it? Are there offices at work you are afraid to enter, for fear that you will be sucked into the dark coffee ring of oblivion? Well I think it’s high time the coffee makers of America step up and take some responsibility. They got us into this mess with their deceptively addictive product. They could take a lesson from the Dutch and institute a mug trade in program. The unwashed, coffee drinking masses of America could trade in their dirty, disease ridden mugs for cleaner, sterilized mugs.

    Think of the benefits to the rest of us. Coffee drinkers would reap the benefits of better overall hygiene. Employers would benefit from healthier, more productive employees. Employees would be less afraid to “borrow” office supplies from their coworker’s desks, no longer afraid that they may become contaminated. This sharing of resources would, in turn, simultaneously increase productivity by decreasing operating costs, and stimulate the economy through the increased sale of personal security devices (desk locks, etc).

    A mug trade in program.
    The right choice for coffee drinkers.
    The right choice for America.

  • A sound in the night

    My wife and children were fast asleep. I was enjoying a rare moment of peace when I heard a loud squeaking noise. It sounded suspiciously like a non-traditional entrance to our home being jimmied open. If I hadn’t just gone to the bathroom, I fear I may have left a damp spot on our new couch. However, since the tank was dry (so to speak), I quickly got a hold of myself and went off to investigate. Nope, the sliding glass door was secure. A quick (and quiet) survey of the bedrooms showed the windows were secure as well. Then I heard it again, only this time it was right next to me. I was in Adams room. It was Adam practicing for his career in show business.