• What do you fear?

    Death? Taxes? The Yankees wining another World Series? A six year old child with an attention deficit, a pinch of hyperactivity, and a bow and arrow?

    Yes, Beth had a busy day on Wednesday. I was picking her up from camp and her group leader was explaining all of the activities they participated in that day. They started with a hike through a local park, followed by some canoeing, another hike, swimming at the pool, and an archery class.

    Beth’s group leader was running down the laundry list of activities while I was packing up Beth’s stuff, preparing to herd her out the door. Growing up with two sisters, I have a well honed talent for tuning people out. It is my blessing and my curse. As a result, I didn’t realize Beth’s group leader had used the word “archery” until I was pulling up the driveway at my house.

    Surely they weren’t using real arrows. I guess we’ll never know, unless we’re served with papers.

  • Near and dear

    They say it is easiest to write about the things which are closest to your heart. So I ask myself, “What is close to your heart this morning?” Like just about every other morning, I think the answer would have to be my left lung.

    The author does not wish to hear from any smart-ass M.D.s talking pericardium smack.

    I can’t really think of much to say about my left lung. As far as I know it’s pretty healthy. It seems to be doing its job. It is one of many organs which are easy to take for granted. Unless you’re suffering from a really bad cold, or you just spontaneously jumped out of your desk and did a few laps around the office, you don’t typically think much about your lungs – much less your left one. Admit it; when was the last time you seriously thought about the gaseous equivalent of grand central station? When was the last time you had alveoli on your mind? When have you ever drawn up your bronchial tree? When did you ever consider the role of hemoglobin and bicarbonates in gas transfer?* The stomach? Now there’s an organ! It may not be glamorous, but it comes up all the time. I’m hungry! I’m full! I exercised too hard and I want to puke! That’s your stomach in action, right up there on the front lines, hogging all of the glory. Your brain? Oh, the brain! Glamour, mystery, influence; your brain has got it all. When doesn’t the brain try and take some of the credit for something going on? Your poor lungs on the other hand only get noticed when something goes wrong.

    O.K., maybe the lungs have it better than the pancreas; but the pancreas couldn’t hold the lung’s pulmonary artery. Pound for pound, the lungs could be the heaviest organ in the thoracic cavity. The pancreas can’t say that!**

    Do your lungs a favor, give ’em a little credit where credit is due.

    *The author feels compelled to come clean; he has no idea if the roles of hemoglobin and bicarbonates are analogous. The last time he had any academic exposure to biology or chemistry was high school.

    **The author believes the pancreas resides in the abdominal cavity, not the thoracic cavity. The author further admits that he has no earthly idea what the pancreas does, nor does he really care to.

  • Balance of power

    An important component of the Kauffman household’s (version 2.2) fiscal responsibility is its balance of powers. We have what you might call a bi-camel financial office. (Others might call it being considerate, being responsible, or being married.) Proposals for spending may originate from either side, but must ultimately be approved by both sides before they can be enacted.

    Case in point: I really wanted to blow my wad on an iPod. I could almost feel the smooth, light-weight piece of Apple magic in my hands. I could imagine being newly enshrined among the “hip elite.” I could feel my status among my peers inflating just looking at the price list. As a trial balloon, I shocked my wife with the following statement, “well, today I went ahead and ordered an iPod.”

    “NO YOU DIDN’T!”

    As trial balloons go, that was a pretty much a complete failure. Fearing an upset of our fragile financial treaty, I quickly copped to my deception and revealed my ploy. I didn’t really buy an iPod.

    “John, you know I’m proud of you, but we spent that bonus money two years ago.”

    What I need is a new constitution; my own declaration of indepence. I should throw off the shackles of responsibility and live for today! GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

    “John, just what the hell are you talking about?”

    Ah well, I didn’t want an iPod that badly anyway. At least I’ll have more ammunition when she decides she wants to paint the baby’s room again. I may have lost the battle, but at least I won’t be painting any time soon. Don’t tell Cheryl, but that may have been the plan all along. Am I really that devious? If I were, would I admit it here? These questions and more will continue to be unanswered, but you are free to speculate.