• The scourge of Thanksgiving.

    You’ve heard of tryptophan, the culprit long suspected of putting the turkey eating hordes to sleep on Thanksgiving. What I want to know is, why didn’t anyone suspect the alcohol? Come now, get a bunch of American families together once a year for a holiday “good time” – and you’re telling me no one is going to go heavy on the silly sauce? What’s more likely: a common amino acid that is found in many other kinds of foods (some in greater quantities) mysteriously causes drowsiness only when consumed late in the afternoon in November, or Aunt Louise passed out after one too many glasses of California’s finest? I’m going to step down off of my high horse and admit something to both of you: I was once one of the duped masses. I believed the tryptophan lie. NO MORE, I TELL YOU!

    This has been a public service message from the Poultry Eaters Association of North America.

  • I have the answer.

    Earlier this year we replaced the outside unit to our air conditioner. Figuring, “what’s a hundred more dollars…”, we sprung for a fancy programable thermostat to go along for the ride to financial ruin. After the installation folks left, we read about all of the cool features of our new thermostat, most of which we could figure out on our own. One documented feature eluded us – the capability to have the thermostat alternately cool or heat the house without having to manually switch between heating and cooling modes. Yesterday evening we finally figured it out. What you do is wait until something else with the air conditioning stops working. Then when the repair guy comes out to fix it, ask him for “one more thing”.

    Now it’s all figured out. Sure, I feel a little less independent, a little less like a real man. I’ve put less sweat equity into the house; but perhaps more importantly, I’ve put some serious psychological equity into my marriage.

    Here’s to your mental health!

  • Can’t we all just get along.

    “Daddy, I hate Anthony.”
    “What’s wrong with Anthony?”
    “He says mean things and I don’t like him”
    “Sounds like you and Anthony don’t get along.”
    “I get along just fine daddy. Anthony doesn’t.”