• A glass ceiling with walls to match

    Despite evidence to the contrary, I think I’m capable of as much holiday spirit as the next guy. However, I must confess that I’m no longer impressed by holiday noise makers. Dancing Coke cans and singing Christmas trees were cute for about three minutes. Small devices that “beep” out various tunes stopped being cute in 1986. Articles of clothing with built-in noisemakers were never cute. As a matter of principle, I’m against any piece of clothing that requires batteries.

    And yet, that’s just what I witnessed in the halls of state government this morning. A state employee with excess cheer was walking down the hall, accompanied by her own soundtrack.

    “Where is that sound coming from?”
    “Oh, that’s just my sweater.”

    Is this a prime example of holiday schmaltz or am I becoming prematurely gruff? The whole thing was a little frightening actually. The sight of this person, full of holiday cheer, put my fight/flight instincts into overdrive. Maybe it had something to do with my foul mood at the time. Surely, no good can come from such polarized moods coming into contact with one another. I’m not a really big Star Trek fan, but the first thing that comes to mind is the anti-matter containment field failing. That’s when anti-matter comes into contact with matter, and you get a really big BOOM. Pretty much the same thing happens when holiday schmaltz comes into contact with sleep deprived torpor, right?

    Who knows? If asked, the woman with the beeping sweater may have had something against my frayed Dockers and faded polo shirt. Come to think of it, I really look like a bum this morning.

  • When words collide

    You may not know this, but my wife and I are a pretty damn good team. What makes us a good team? The answer is simple: I do pretty much whatever she asks me to. What makes this arrangement work? My wife knows what not to ask me.

    She learned pretty early on not to ask me clean the bathrooms. Using my past performance and the rest of my family as a guide, it’s clear that Cheryl and I simply have different thresholds for what constitutes “clean” (and that this difference runs to the core of our very being). We learned the hard way that the bathroom is one of those places where that kind of difference of opinion can have disastrous effects on a marriage. Now for the first time in my 33 years I have a bathroom that is clean enough to eat out of, and I should know. Who says I can’t have a Pop Tart on the can?

    One area where this approach has broken down is the overnight childcare arrangement. We tag team through the night. While this arrangement is otherwise peachy, we’ve found it’s a lot harder to tell me what to do when one of us is asleep in the other room. This is critical when it comes to tending to our oldest child. Left to my own devices, I’m much more laid back, and it shows when Beth gets up in the morning. You see I always take the early shift, so I’m responsible for supervising the evening/bedtime routine. It seems Cheryl is never impressed when Beth is already dressed for school in the morning when she gets out of bed. My laissez-faire approach to child rearing takes it’s toll on my wife’s morning routine as well. The first thing child experts tell parents is, “be consistent.” That means if one parent is going laissez-faire, both should go laissez-faire. If one parent practices laissez-faire and the other restreignez-faire, what you get is disastre. (You can hardly tell I have virtually no knowledge of the French language, can you? For all of the fellow non-French speakers out there, I frequently make up my own French phrases whenever it suits me.)

    Apparently the transition from dad to mom is a rough one, but it sure does make dad popular with the kids.

    Sometime very soon I’m going to fetch a slap.

  • My special place

    There is one place where I always feel safe. It is a place I can go where all my problems disappear and my mind is clear. It is a place I’ve had wherever I’ve lived. It is a dark yet warm place. It’s where I wake up every morning, under my covers.