• Once more into the well, dear friends,

    This weekend I told to someone caffeine was a recent vice. It was subsequently suggested my recent obsession with America’s Favorite Stimulant was less vice and more love at first sip.

    What, doesn’t everyone plan their daily menu around each item’s relative stimulating effect?

    History teachers would have you believe the pilgrims came to the new land for religious freedom, but could they be wrong? Is there margin for error in the historical consensus? Here’s my modest (and somewhat ridiculous) proposal: they came to the new land seeking something with a little more kick than tea. The Brits are famous for their drinking habits, aren’t they? Maybe the pilgrims were just tired of drinking the yard waste.

    While I’m revising history, let us turn our attention to the Boston Tea Party. It has been said the Boston Tea Party was about taxes and choice, but maybe we’ve had the choice part just a little bit wrong all this time. Maybe they just didn’t want tea. We’ve been told our founding fathers were a savvy lot. I’ve also heard that, while they thought democracy was groovy, their trust in the unwashed masses to make good decisions was not terribly high. (How else do you explain the Electoral College?) Maybe they knew coffee was the superior caffeine delivery device, but they didn’t trust the public to make the right choice. Maybe, just maybe, the Boston Tea Party was a clandestine effort to manufacture a little more market for coffee. With Boston’s supply of tea flavoring the already polluted harbor (and making it worse), the people would have to look elsewhere for their fix; nudging them all in the right direction, so that we all might be as enlightened as our Founding Fathers.

    “Give me coffee or give me death!”

  • Hanging up the ‘ole remote

    This weekend was nothing short of a sports disaster. Once again my teams ran the gamut of losing. The Gators played well enough to win, the Bucs played just well enough to lose, the Red Sox played well enough to lose a couple dozen, and the hockey season just appears lost. My only consolation is that the Pats beat up on the Cardinals. But then, who doesn’t beat up on the Cardinals? Isn’t that kind of like saying ANYONE beat up on the Rays? Wait a minute; did the Rays win one this weekend? I have to admit I gave up on them months ago.

  • The Amateur Meteorologist’s Association of America

    Water cooler talk around the Sunshine State has endured a shift of tidal proportions. Gone are the days when men could congregate in the workplace and fancy themselves better suited to make football decisions than the guy that’s paid millions to do the job. Instead, men and women alike are questioning the judgment of the folks over at the National Hurricane Center. “You know Jim; I have to agree with Regina. The NHC is full of shit; and you all know it. That center of high pressure is going to be stronger than they think, forcing Jeanne well to the left of the projected track. Just look what happened to Ivan and Charley. They couldn’t predict a fart in a Tex-Mex joint.”

    I for one hold Jim Cantore (and his ilk) personally responsible.

    Anyone wishing to join our office “Jeanne Landfall Pool” can contact Howard, at (728) 555-5149.

    Author’s note: all names and phone numbers in this entry were made up. Well, except for Jim Cantore, The NHC, and Jeanne – they’re all real; although I may have misspelled Jim’s name.

    The preceding is a caricature of my co-worker’s opinions, and does not necessarily reflect the position of the author. The author wishes to state that he holds the good folks at the NHC in the highest regard. Further, I do not mean to make light of those affected by the storms, which have done so many so much harm.