• If you don’t look you probably won’t find it

    You’ve seen the cute emails that take on a life of their own. There are chain letters, urban legends, good jokes, bad jokes, and inspirational stories. One of these messages made its way to me this morning at work. It began, “We rarely get a chance to see another country’s editorial about the USA. I think this is very much worth reading and passing on. It says a lot,.” If you are on the same distribution lists that I seem to be on, you would know that what followed was a patriotic, flag waving extravaganza which delivered its message with all the subtlety of Wrestlemania. In my role as office cynic, it is my job to bring everyone back down to earth. Without thinking about consequences, I began to type a “reply to all” which asked whether the author of original message ever looked up a European news source on the web. My guess is if they did they wouldn’t think commentary about the good ‘ole USA was particularly rare. If commentary about the USA is not a rare occurrence on the web, then the only reason the author’s CHANCES of seeing such commentary would be low is if he or she didn’t have access to the internet. Chance (as far as I’m concerned, in this context) is not a function of actual viewing, but rather a function of opportunity or availability. Since the author was sending this message via the internet, he or she must have access to it, meaning there was plenty opportunity. My conclusion from all of this was that the author must not have been looking too hard. Maybe what they meant to say was that we don’t get much chance to see FAVORABLE commentary about the USA. Of course if you admit that then it takes a little of the luster out of the positive glow of the message, but at least it would be honest.

    Funny thing about the truth, it’s not always simple.

    And by the way, I never did send my reply.

    Is “toothache” one word?

  • Tooth ache

    Aren’t you fortunate to have a portal into the nooks and crannies of my day to day life? It’s an honor, I’m sure. In any case, here’s one more minutiae: my tooth hurts.

    Carrying on in fine American tradition I have long put off taking advantage of western preventative dentistry, and now the piper must be paid. What vile organisms festering in my mouth have bored through enamel and bone to assault my poor exposed nerves? What techniques, largely unchanged from medieval times, will the dental practitioner employ to “help”? Will modern dentistry make liberal use of analgesics to avail me, or will relief from my pain only be found through loss of consciousness?* My vote is for analgesics, but medicine is not a democratic process. Nay, tomorrow I submit myself to the tyranny of the dentist’s domain – The Office.

    There I go, by the grace of my HMO.

    This entry was sponsored, in part, by the dividends paid from a largely sleepless night.
    * extreme pain sometimes causes one to pass out, or so they say anyway.

  • A man walks into a restaurant

    O.K. mister, hold it right there! I want you to give me all of your carbs! Everybody just stay calm and no one will get hurt. HEY! Keep your hands away from those bun-less burgers! I said I want CARBS! I’m running out of energy here so hurry it up! You people and your weird diets, you wanna lose weight? I’ve got a diet for ya. We’ll call it the “lube job” diet. Just replace every other meal with a serving of mineral oil. A clean colon is a happy colon, no?

    All right, I’m leaving now. I want you all to get down on the floor and say “Dr. Atkins can eat my Wonder bread.” Don’t get back up until you’ve said it fifty times. Go on, do it!