• A man walks into a restaurant

    O.K. mister, hold it right there! I want you to give me all of your carbs! Everybody just stay calm and no one will get hurt. HEY! Keep your hands away from those bun-less burgers! I said I want CARBS! I’m running out of energy here so hurry it up! You people and your weird diets, you wanna lose weight? I’ve got a diet for ya. We’ll call it the “lube job” diet. Just replace every other meal with a serving of mineral oil. A clean colon is a happy colon, no?

    All right, I’m leaving now. I want you all to get down on the floor and say “Dr. Atkins can eat my Wonder bread.” Don’t get back up until you’ve said it fifty times. Go on, do it!

  • Post-traumatic stress

    I need help.

    Ah, I know what you’re thinking, you knew that a long time ago. No, I’ve got something specific in mind.

    I’m having flashbacks. I keep hearing a voice with a Canadian accent which says “Flyers score!” I hope that this problem will take care of itself by Thursday evening, but I don’t know if I can wait that long. Does anyone have any advice?

  • Agony of defeat

    For the first time in the playoffs this season, I didn’t watch the end of the Lightning game last night. By the end of the second period it took monumental effort to continue watching. I imagine it felt a lot like being a hockey player’s dentist. It was really discouraging.

    Yes, last night’s game was an old fashioned whoopin’, and the Lightning players were not the ones holding the whip. I imagine it was about as fun as a hockey player’s trip to the dentist. Making matters worse, its effects seem lingering. A dark pallor looms over the morning. I suppose it could have something to do with the overcast skies.

    How much do you suppose sports effects productivity in the work place? Excuse me while I go rustle up some enthusiasm.