• Tip of the week

    The ground is particularly good at equal and opposite reactions, but we usually don’t need Newton to tell us that.

    Perhaps more important are Newton’s other laws of motion. If you are sitting on the roof with your legs hanging over the gutter and you use your arms to push off so that you clear the gutter, the force of your push acts on your shoulders, above your center of gravity. This creates the necessary forward motion to get you clear of the gutter, but also can create a slight forward rotation. While air does have mass, it is awfully hard to act upon it while you are traveling through it. Unfortunately, the closest matter with suitable qualities for use in changing this undesired motion is the ground. At this point your velocity will indeed change, but it is less likely to be in a manner to your liking.

    You can avoid all of these problems by remembering this very simple rule: regardless of your age or the size of your home, it’s never a good idea to jump off of the roof.

  • Finding salvation in a little plastic bottle

    It would be so easy. My eyes want it so much. I could just let them close for a moment. Oh yeah, that’s it. Just for a few minutes. It feels so right to let them close. Every limb feels so heavy. Every movement seems to take three times the effort as normal.

    Can’t I just sit here and rest for a moment? Maybe doze off for a few moments? Even sitting up in a desk chair, sitting motionless with my eyes closed, feels like heavenly bliss.

    LOAF: v. to pass time at leisure; idle.

    Loafing. Employees shall remain productive while performing their assigned duties or tasks during work hours, and shall not be idle, waste time, engage in idle talk or gossip. (from my employer’s personnel disciplinary standards and procedures manual)

    It may be time for chemical intervention.

    “Will that be a Mountain Dew or a caffeine supplement?”

    Drastic times call for drastic measures. It may be time to bring out the big gun: Walgreens “Stay Awake”, 200mg caffeine supplement.

    “Doesn’t supplement usually refer to something that your body needs? Your body doesn’t really need caffeine, does it?” Umm, it does right now.

    I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Walgreens for producing a cheap, fast acting source of caffeine; and my boss, for having the wisdom to make Friday his weekly day off.

  • Altered moods

    Recent history has ushered in more than its share of mood altering drugs for children. However, kids and their moods are no exception. If you can name a disorder your local pharmacist can name a couple of cures in a bottle, with an optional safety cap. There is one mood altering drug that has been with us for centuries. I am talking about sugar.

    Who among the parents of the world have not sugared up a kid, only to see their efforts rewarded with a torrent of destructive energy? Less common is the similar effect in adults, but it happens. Take this morning for example. A week of traveling and a morning of bicycling left me a bit drained. Then someone shows up with freshly baked, fully sugared donuts from the local supermarket chain. (If you are not familiar with the Publix Bakery, then it is quite simply your loss.) Now I’m sugared up and I’m ready to rock and roll!

    Accept no substitutes! Kneel before the king of all sweeteners!

    If you suffer from chronic fatigue, ask your doctor if sugar would be right for you!
    Possible side effects from sugar usage include weight gain, bad dental hygiene, and the mother of all energy crashes.