Once again it’s cookie season. It’s that time when a clandestine organization spreads out, from sea to shining sea, bringing seemingly innocuous treats to the masses. The organization, code name: “The Girl Scouts,” prey on an unsuspecting public with sweet faces and sweet treats.

But there’s a dark side to their mission: addiction and control. You see, they may seem like ordinary cookies, but the truth is they’re much more. These “Girl Scouts” cast their cookies like a fishing line, waiting patiently for a hook to set. Like nicotine, heroin, or crack, the unsuspecting public are quickly helpless against the cookies, which overwhelm the senses with the first bite. From then on they’re like a column of Pringles… you can’t just eat one. Without thinking, boxes disappear almost without notice… all due to the thrall of the cookie. People find themselves wandering to the closest grocery store, looking for a dealer waiting just outside the automatic doors. There, they find tables well stocked with several varieties, but all with the same intent: to fatten the American calf.

We all know what happens to the fatted calf, don’t we?

Friends, I’m here today to warn you against this growing threat. I too have been a victim. The other night I fell to the Samoas’ spell. What started as an innocent bite turned into a late night binge on cocunut caramel evil.

Don’t be like me. Resist! Pass the word. Please, for the love of Richard Simmons, don’t take that first bite.