• Reason #261 why I hate Microsoft and everything it stands for

    In Word, I typed “its” – the contraction of “it is” not the possessive of “it.” In its infinite wisdom, Word “autocorrected” my word to “it’s” which apparently was correct. The contraction of “it is” has an apostrophe, the possessive version of “it” does not (or so says the English Grammar Rules According Bill’s Word – and thank goodness because I sure wouldn’t know). Anyway, I go on typing. Out of nowhere, I see a green squiggly line appear underneath my newly corrected “it’s.” This means Word had found a grammatical error – the one it just “autocorrected.”

    ,And there was a great gnashing of teeth as our hero’s expectations were met.

    So why hasn’t a tech savvy pleb such as myself turned off the autocorrect feature of Word if I found it such a nuisance? Hey, what can I say? I have a lot of glass and I like to throw rocks. It may be a pain to clean up sometimes, but it’s just so much fun!

  • A good sock goes down before it’s time

    When was the last time you came home to find your sock drawer rearranged? This is the horror of a nesting mother.

    “Cheryl, why does my sock drawer look different?”

    “Because I was sick of seeing you walk around in socks with holes in them when you’ve got packages of unopened socks in your closet.”

    I was really tired from a long day at the office, followed by the death watch at the allergist’s office, so no sarcastic witicisms were forthcoming. I just mourned the loss of some slightly flawed socks that were at the wrong place at the wrong time. If only I had put away my own laundry like I should have… Cheryl would have never done it for me… she would have never had the occasion to open that drawer… my little buddies would still be with me now… IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!!!!

    This is the cross I bear.

  • Changing lanes

    I was driving to work, and I was late. I was pulling onto the highway and signaled my intent to switch lanes. Alumni from the New York School of Big City Driving know that this was my first mistake. Signaling, turning your head, making eye contact, or any other means of contact with the driver behind you is a sign of weakness; and you know what a predator does with the weak member of the herd, don’t you? In this case the predator was a white male in a large Dodge truck. Checking my mirrors I noticed his front hood lurch with acceleration as my turn signal came on and I prepared to make my move. Despite the truck’s sudden burst of speed, there was still plenty of room for my move (re: more than one car length), so I replaced all of that empty space with my car.

    (Did I say that I replaced ALL of the empty space with my car?)

    Anyone who has watched the Bucs on T.V. during the Gruden era is familiar with what the gentleman behind me was saying. What can I say; I hate it when someone punishes good driving habits with offensive driving.