• This is your stomach calling

    Two bagels with margarine, a glass of fruit punch flavored Gatorade, a Twix candy bar, and a Walgreen’s caffeine supplement? You call that breakfast? I’m not completely helpless down here you know. You’re going to start getting this breakfast thing right or there’s going to be hell to pay. What, you need some convincing? Don’t make me come back up there. You keep shoveling that crap down here and I swear I’ll send it right back. You’re familiar with the phrase, “return to sender?” What happened to the good old days when we settled in at work with an OJ and a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal? Hell, I’d settle for the bagels and Gatorade, but the sugar and caffeine have got to go. It’s me or them, and there’s only one of us you can live without. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the caffeine. Oh, poor baby, you’re tired? Get some sleep, for crying out loud.

  • Oh come on Jane!

    Picture a large room with a heavy duty anchor in middle of the ceiling, a five foot long net hanging from this single anchor, and a new piece of furniture off to one side. How long do you suppose it would take a seven year old child to figure out this new piece of furniture would make a good launching point for a wicked cool Tarzan swing?

    If you were the mother of this child, would you be angry if the child learned this trick from her father?

    It’s a damn shame Cheryl didn’t grow up with a brother. She obviously never knew the thrills that could be had with a jogging trampoline, a long rope, a cathedral ceiling, and a napping parent. Picture the bastard child of a circus act and an olympic event… ah, those were the days. It kind of puts the Tarzan swing in perspective.

  • iPod*, you Pod, we all should Pod

    Wouldn’t the world be a happier place if everyone could listen to music, good music, where ever we went? Just think, no one would be left at the mercy of waiting room muzak again. Personally, I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about the veneer of calm that elevator muzak represents. “Why do I need to be calm? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? IS THAT THE CABLE BREAKING?!?” Stand with me and shout to the world “NOT TODAY MY FRIEND.”

    Newly enshrined among the legions of cool, I go forth with my new 20 gigabyte iPod* to beat back the musical tyranny of public spaces. Never again will I be lulled into unsuspecting serenity by sweet nothings whispered in my ear, from hidden speakers in the ceilings of America. My wit will remain sharp. My attention will be keen. My heart rate will remain elevated. I will not succumb.

    —

    Imagine if all consumer product advertising was held to the same standards as prescription medication,

    “Using iPod* may cause hearing loss, headache, Tinnitus, attention deficit, hypertension, and embarrassing displays of enthusiasm. If you are easily embarrassed, or if you work with heavy equipment in public spaces, then iPod* may not be right for you.”

    —

    Regular readers may be surprised by this apparent purchase. Yes, my wife finally wilted under the strain of consistently applied pressure. My advice for bending the will of your spouse reads like a first-aid handbook, apply pressure and hold. Once again, I AM THE CHAMPION! Take heart, faithful readers. Heed my example. You too can finesse the marital fiscal binds that restrict our discretionary spending. It is possible. It can be done. Cool CAN be had in a small, $300 box. (Act now, free laser engraving from the online store is only available for a limited time!).

    * iPod is a registered trademark of Apple Computer, and has been used here without their permission. Questions or complaints about the use of this registered trademark should be directed to: The Committee to Re-elect Dubya, at: www.thecowboyconservative.com.