• Fah real, yo?

    This morning someone approached me and asked if Cheryl was hanging in there. I laughed. Why? I was immediately struck by the very real image of an ever more spacious womb. So I said the first thing that came to mind. “She’s hanging, but it isn’t in.”

    O.K., so it wasn’t the perfect thing to say in the coffee line at church. I got the heretofore expected blank stare, so I explained myself – complete with hand gestures. “You see (hands at my sides in a pseudo gun fighter pose) Cheryl is hanging, but it’s in places she wasn’t hanging before. You might say she’s ‘hanging out.’ On the street they would say she’s livin’ large.”

    If that doesn’t fetch you a little hostility from your pregnant wife, nothing will.

  • This is your stomach calling

    Two bagels with margarine, a glass of fruit punch flavored Gatorade, a Twix candy bar, and a Walgreen’s caffeine supplement? You call that breakfast? I’m not completely helpless down here you know. You’re going to start getting this breakfast thing right or there’s going to be hell to pay. What, you need some convincing? Don’t make me come back up there. You keep shoveling that crap down here and I swear I’ll send it right back. You’re familiar with the phrase, “return to sender?” What happened to the good old days when we settled in at work with an OJ and a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal? Hell, I’d settle for the bagels and Gatorade, but the sugar and caffeine have got to go. It’s me or them, and there’s only one of us you can live without. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the caffeine. Oh, poor baby, you’re tired? Get some sleep, for crying out loud.

  • Oh come on Jane!

    Picture a large room with a heavy duty anchor in middle of the ceiling, a five foot long net hanging from this single anchor, and a new piece of furniture off to one side. How long do you suppose it would take a seven year old child to figure out this new piece of furniture would make a good launching point for a wicked cool Tarzan swing?

    If you were the mother of this child, would you be angry if the child learned this trick from her father?

    It’s a damn shame Cheryl didn’t grow up with a brother. She obviously never knew the thrills that could be had with a jogging trampoline, a long rope, a cathedral ceiling, and a napping parent. Picture the bastard child of a circus act and an olympic event… ah, those were the days. It kind of puts the Tarzan swing in perspective.