• iPod*, you Pod, we all should Pod

    Wouldn’t the world be a happier place if everyone could listen to music, good music, where ever we went? Just think, no one would be left at the mercy of waiting room muzak again. Personally, I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about the veneer of calm that elevator muzak represents. “Why do I need to be calm? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? IS THAT THE CABLE BREAKING?!?” Stand with me and shout to the world “NOT TODAY MY FRIEND.”

    Newly enshrined among the legions of cool, I go forth with my new 20 gigabyte iPod* to beat back the musical tyranny of public spaces. Never again will I be lulled into unsuspecting serenity by sweet nothings whispered in my ear, from hidden speakers in the ceilings of America. My wit will remain sharp. My attention will be keen. My heart rate will remain elevated. I will not succumb.

    —

    Imagine if all consumer product advertising was held to the same standards as prescription medication,

    “Using iPod* may cause hearing loss, headache, Tinnitus, attention deficit, hypertension, and embarrassing displays of enthusiasm. If you are easily embarrassed, or if you work with heavy equipment in public spaces, then iPod* may not be right for you.”

    —

    Regular readers may be surprised by this apparent purchase. Yes, my wife finally wilted under the strain of consistently applied pressure. My advice for bending the will of your spouse reads like a first-aid handbook, apply pressure and hold. Once again, I AM THE CHAMPION! Take heart, faithful readers. Heed my example. You too can finesse the marital fiscal binds that restrict our discretionary spending. It is possible. It can be done. Cool CAN be had in a small, $300 box. (Act now, free laser engraving from the online store is only available for a limited time!).

    * iPod is a registered trademark of Apple Computer, and has been used here without their permission. Questions or complaints about the use of this registered trademark should be directed to: The Committee to Re-elect Dubya, at: www.thecowboyconservative.com.

  • The cozy confines of my liberal bias

    These figures come to you courtesy of the Associated Press (7/20/2004),

    – 890 American military personnel have died in Iraq since March 2003, when military operations began.
    – 752 American military personnel have died in Iraq since “combat operations” ended on May 1, 2003.

    —

    I hear that the current administration is now interested in pursuing a possible al-Qaeda / Iran / 9-11 link. Personally, I think this is just groovy. Why, this could be the beginning of a foreign policy not seen since World War II. First, we blame all of our domestic problems on terrorism. (“Why have your wages, adjusted for inflation, fallen or at best remained stagnant over the last ten years? Terrorism is to blame!”) Next, find a group of people, preferably a country, to pin it on. Once you’ve picked a country all you have to do is invade – and waaah lah! You’re taking charge! You’re the man with the plan! You’re taking the bull by the horns and shoving a grenade up its keester! What you leave behind won’t matter; your problem is the next election cycle – not more long term problems like global stability. So what if there are more terrorists in Iraq now than before the invasion. With the current education system, your average citizen can’t say “self-fulfilling prophecy” three times fast, let alone define it. Casualty reports and allegations of prisoner mistreatment may be a problem, but remember that you have an advantage: the control of information. If you know it’s bound to come out, control its release. You’d be amazed what presentation can do for a message. For example: what ever you do, don’t allow pictures of flag draped coffins coming off of the plane. Let them eat numbers. Numbers may be upsetting, but a picture is worth a thousand numbers. Pictures were an absolute disaster in Viet Nam. (Who says we don’t learn from history’s mistakes?)

    Ah, but in all seriousness, I have to fess up. In my own uneducated, relatively uninformed way, I kind of thought Iran was a better “harborer of W.M.D. / link to terrorism” candidate than Iraq all along. It’s too bad we used up all of our credibility on the wrong side of Mesopotamia.

    All of this would be a fantastic entry, if only more people weren’t upset about foreign policy after all. Oh well, I had fun writing it anyway. Sometimes flexing a little cynicism can be fun, if not a little cathartic. You are now free to return to a more moderate message, already in progress in a media outlet (not owned by Uncle Rupert) near you.

  • About the laundry

    Yesterday morning my wife asked me to do some laundry.

    “Cheryl? The sum total of whites in the hamper equals six. That’s four socks and two shirts. Are you sure you want that done?”

    To make a long response short, she answered in the affirmative. Sometime later, she asked if I had made any progress with the laundry.

    “Cheryl, there were only six things to wash. I think I can somehow manage to fit that into my busy Sunday schedule.”

    If you are not new to this site, you know that I am a male of the species. If you are a fellow male of the species, you know that any sarcastic statement regarding housework has approximately a 92.3% chance of later being used to swat you in the head.

    At around 10:02 p.m., my growing bride asked me if I had finished the laundry.

    “DOAH!”

    I really ought to try harder to control my sarcasm.