• Why am I coughing?

    As a service to hypochondriacs everywhere, here is a list of conditions that list “cough” as a symptom. I am providing this service free of charge. You may notice that there are some repeats (is it necessary to list “Dust mite allergies” and “Allergies” separate?). Some are just plain vague (“Lung conditions”). Just keep in mind that this is not my list.

    Acute Appendicitis, Acute Bronchitis, Adenoviruses, Allergic bronchopulmonary aspergillosis, Allergies, Alveolar Hydatid Disease, Asbestosis, Ascariasis, Asthma, Blastomycosis, Bronchiectasis, Bronchiolitis, Bronchitis, Bronchopulmonary dysplasia, Cancer, Carbon monoxide poisoning, Chemical pneumonia, Chlamydia pneumoniae, Chronic Bronchitis, Chronic Granulomatous Disease, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, Chronic Sinusitis, Coccidioidomycosis, Collapsed lung, Common cold, Croup, Cystic Fibrosis, Dengue hemorrhagic fever, Dilated cardiomyopathy, Dust mite allergies, Ehrlichiosis, Emphysema, Epiglotitis, Esophageal diverticulum, Esophagus Cancer, Familial emphysema, Fascioliasis, Flu, Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, Goodpasture syndrome, Hay fever, Heart failure, High altitude pulmonary edema, Histoplasmosis, HIV/AIDS, Hookworm, Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, Larynx Cancer, Lassa fever, Legionnaires’ disease, Lung abscess, Lung cancer, Lung conditions, Lymphangioleiomyomatosis, Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis, Measles, Melioidosis, Mesothelioma, Mold allergies, Nocardiosis, Parainfluenza, Plague, Pneumococcal pneumonia, Pneumoconiosis, Pneumonia, Pneumonic plague, Pneumothorax, Psittacosis, Pulmonary edema, Pulmonary embolism, Pulmonary valve stenosis, Respiratory syncytial virus, Sarcoidosis, SARS, Schistosomiasis, Silicosis, Sinusitis, Slap-cheek syndrome, Strongyloidiasis, Tourette Syndrome, Toxocariasis, Tracheitis, Tuberculosis, Upper Respiratory Infection, Wegener’s granulomatosis, Whipple’s Disease, and Whooping Cough.

    Are you feeling ill? Do you feel like you want to die? Just read the list. Maybe you really are.

    (Source: http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/sym/cough.htm)

  • Bad blood.

    I have made it perfectly clear that I hate Saturn. I have no problems with any of the planets in our solar system, but I do have problems with a particular american auto maker. My dislike is easier to live with now that I am no longer burdened with the lemon formerly parked in my driveway. However, because of this dislike I am happy to share this drive time story with you today.

    I was driving down the highway on my way home from work. Like all good defensive drivers, I was paying attention to the cars around me. I noticed another victim of Saturn ahead and to the right of me. At first there was nothing obvious about the car to suggest that the driver was a victim, not yet anyway. In fact, the car looked pretty good (for a Saturn). You know what they say about looks… they can be deceiving. Much to my surprise (I’m sure the driver was surprised too), the front driver side fender started flapping like a flag in a forty mile an hour gale. The front corner would drop to the ground and bounce up, due to the forward movement of the piece of cr… I mean car. Traffic was moving at brisk forty miles an hour, thus producing the flapping like movement. I don’t know much about cars, but I don’t think body parts are supposed to swing free like a guy in boxer shorts.

    Other than the bouncing action off of the pavement, it looked like a perfectly good front fender. Of course, the fender might not have been Saturn’s fault. Maybe the guy needed a few screws to hang things on the wall at home and decided to take them out of his car. Maybe there’s an epidemic of fender loosening pranksters running rampant on the Florida highways. Maybe he was in a minor fender-bender and decided to save a few bucks by installing his own replacement fender. Then again, maybe he just bought the wrong kind of car.

    Regardless of the real reason, you know my vote.

  • Colors.

    Have you heard that the color of your phlegm has absolutely nothing to do with what type of infection you have (viral versus bacterial)? MInd you, I don’t really know if this is true. I just heard it somewhere.

    Did you know that if you cough hard enough you can collapse a lung? Yeah, now I’m just making stuff up.

    Have you ever coughed long and hard enough to give yourself one mother of a headache?

    Have you ever taken a good look at your phlegm?

    Do foods with artificial colors contaminate the specimen?

    Do you prefer the word “phlegm” or “ejecta”?

    Since we’re making this multiple choice, do you prefer “none of the above”?

    Did you know that the easiest way to get an elementary school age child to laugh is to work in a reference to phlegm or one of it’s close relatives? (I’ve found that the nasal variety is the most reliable.)

    Excuse me while I fetch my over the counter pain reliever.