When the temperature drops.

Here we are, the first week of my favorite time of year. It’s September and the end of summer is finally in sight. Before you know it we will have put 90 degree temperatures behind us and have nothing but dry, relatively cool weather in front of us. I am ready.

Working my fingers to ground round stumps.

These last few months I’ve had the pleasure of staying back at the office to train new folks and process backlogs. I like the training part. I like the working backlogs part less. I’m presented with working conditions that I’ve not experienced in my short working life: hours upon hours of similar tasks on the PC. In the process I’ve learned a new word: Repetitive motion injury. (Yes, I can count.) This weekend I plunked down fifty of my hard earned dollars for some potential relief. No, I didn’t pay someone to update my resume. I went to the local computer superstore and purchased a snazzy gel keyboard wrist rester and a trackball to replace my mouse. I won’t bore you with the details, but I hope this will correct some of the ergonomic shortcomings of my work space. So far so good, but we’ll see how the rest of the week goes. I spent most of this week training, so we’ll see how it goes when the real test starts tomorrow.

Moving on.

This week was a new week, and not too bad of a week. Cheryl is back at work, Beth is having fun at school, and I’m getting back into the flow of things. I think the best thing I can say about last week was that it was normal. I mean that in the best possible way.

Meanwhile, back in the office…

On Monday I made my return to the office, after an almost week-long absence. Believe it or not, it was nice to go back to work. I’m glad I had four days to be with Cheryl. I think the time we spent mostly alone and at home was therapeutic. What’s more, I don’t feel I’ve ever been closer to my wonderful bride of seven years (and good friend for darn near fourteen). Just the same, it was nice to be busy. As some would attest, I can get rather involved with a task once I dive in. Once I buy into the job, my attention focuses 100%, leaving nothing left over for other things I’d rather not think about. Monday was just such a day. On a sad note, I said what may be a final farewell to someone I’ve enjoyed working with for the last several years. I’m certain that I’ve not made nearly the impact in reverse, which makes me feel all the worse for opportunities that are lost to the passing of time. Sometime the rate of people leaving my life will at least slow down a little. Sometime I’ll figure out how to be a better friend – hell, a friend period – and people won’t disappear from my life just because they aren’t so close geographically.

Something Lost

Your mother wasn’t feeling well last night or this morning, so we called her doctor. The pain was worrisome but not unbearable. The doctor took us right in this morning and gave your mother an ultrasound to see how you were doing.

I have no medical training, but I knew enough looking at the monitor to know we will never get the chance to meet.

I noticed the nurse wasn’t saying anything, and I got the sense it was deliberate. Your mother was looking at the screen too, but I couldn’t tell if she knew what I knew, and I was no better than the nurse. If your mom had looked at either of us she would have known right away.

So now we’ve lost you before we ever had you, and my soul is filled with sorrow at the loss. Even though you were never born, the idea of you is three months old, and your loss has struck me more than I would have thought. My only memories of you are made up, fantasies of what you could have been like. We’ll never get to make real ones. I’ll never get to look into your eyes and see some of myself in you. I’ll never get to look upon your face and see some of your mother in you. I’ll never get to see you play with your older sister. I’ll never get to share my love with my second child. One day we’ll probably have another, and maybe by then I’ll have recovered from your loss. People will refer to that child as our second child, and I might too; but it’s hard to imagine now. I’m so sorry.

Love,
Dad

What are you looking at?

I’m admitting more here than I should, in the even that anyone should actually read this. What I’m about to say next will surely convince you that I’ve gone over the edge. If that is so, then you should know that I really went long ago. So here I go. Do you ever find yourself in a contemplative mood? Do you ever find yourself wandering about the house admiring your surroundings? I do. I see it as a sign of happiness. Its kind of like meditation for me. Everyone has downshifted into slumber and the house is quiet. I see the house in a new light, and not just because it is darker. I need to see the house when it is quiet to understand what it means in my life. During the day life is in full swing and you can’t see it. You can’t see it because your in the middle of it. Night falls, and with it falls everything else. You get to step outside of it all and see it from outside. It is part of who we are, part of our life. Over there is where Beth learned to walk. Over there is step where Beth constantly bruised her shins. This is where we finally decided to pull up carpet and install the Pergo. Over in corner over there is where I found out my sister was pregnant. Out there is where we celebrated countless birthdays. In the next room is where I spent countless nights trying to be creative, and fantasizing that I actually was. People come to our house and we give them the tour. At some point I always admit that the house is small, but that we like it here. At some point they always reply that it’s really nice for a first house, a starter house. To me, walking around the house tonight, it doesn’t feel like a starter house. It feels like my only house. It feels like home.

Happiness is…

Lately I’ve been kind of blue. It seems that every time I turn around, someone is leaving; for better jobs, for different surroundings … you get the picture. When people leave I start to feel like there is something wrong with where I am. Mind you, I didn’t feel like this prior to the exodus, so I’m almost sure that it’s just in my head. None the less, it’s still sad to see people go. Anyway, it seems that we may be rounding the bend. Before you know it, fall will be here and I’ll rediscover why it’s nice to live in Florida.

Insomnia and the weekend of sleep.

When I left off last week I was only beginning a stretch of wide awake nights and nearly comatose days. There are many frustrating things in life, and insomnia is one of the classics. Those who have never spent an entire night waiting to fall asleep, knowing the whole time that they really are going to need it the next day, just don’t know what they are missing. Thankfully, the weekend brought a reprieve and restful slumber.

Wither while you work.

I’m just kidding. This week was actually pretty good. Events have conspired to make me really like all of my coworkers. They might not believe it if I told them (saying I’m emotionally “reserved” in the office would be an understatement), but it is the truth. The current group is almost my favorite. It would be my favorite if someone had not recently retired. The new person shows promise, but you can’t replace an old friend.