The other day, one of those “other days” which are now relegated to the blur of my defensive mind, I was exceedingly nauseous. I was having chills, my back was spasming, and I wanted relief. The good natured nurse came in to play twenty questions (she lost by the way), and I got her back out the door to fetch me the appropriate pharmaceutical relief. That relief came in the form of two magical pills – swallowed, not implanted. The nurse helpfully suggested that I nibble on some crackers first, so that I wouldn’t vomit up the pills. Unfortunately for me, these were the first saltine crackers I’ve had the occasion to label: damn near uneatable.

Anyway, the pills arrived and I geared up for 20 minutes of war with the reflexive nature of reverse peristalsis. I swallowed the pills and 90 seconds later all hell broke lose, subjectively speaking. In the next five minutes I couldn’t have held down a sleeping dog. It was all coming up until it all came; then for good measure, my body kept trying for another few minutes.

So I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, cradling my vomit pan in a two handed manner suggesting I had recently taken up a far eastern religion, when my nurse returned.

“Well good news, It doesn’t look like you vomited up the pills.”

“…” I replied.

“So we won’t have to take them again.” She added.

“Uuuuhhh,” I replied.

“Is there anything else I can get you right now?”

“Uuuuhh, sheets?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, I can do that.”

So it occurs to me, what the fuck? Twice over in fact.

First, how the hell did I keep down two pills I’d JUST swallowed when I’d barely been able to keep down my lower intestines. And Second, I was dripping in unmentionables… surely the need for clean sheets went without saying. I should have done some follow-up on the pill issue, but fatigue won the day.

Cheryl will tell you it’s another example of my not sticking up for myself, and she may have a point. But sometimes I think I have a pretty keen sense of momentum (the kind referred to in sports and pop-psychology – not as described by Newton), and in this case momentum was SO not on my side this day.