“Mommy, I want Cory to sleep over again sometime.”
“Well Beth, I’m not sure Cory likes sleeping over here.”
“Why mommy?”
“I think he may miss his mommy and daddy too much.”
“Why? When I sleep over at Memmay and Peppey’s house I don’t miss you guys.”
“John, I could use some help right now.”
“Yeah, I just wanted to write something down really quick.”
Another example of a child’s enduring love for their parents.
The other night Beth was coming out of the bathroom with her towel wrapped tightly around her chest. This new found modesty was a little refreshing, so of course we had to say something about it. Beth’s reply was a little odd: “I don’t want anyone to see my nickels.”
“NICKELS? What are you doing with nickels under your towel?” I replied.
“What, doesn’t everyone have nickels?”, was Beth’s confused retort.
Any one reading this from out there in the cheap seats probably already knows what was going on. For whatever reason, I was a little slow on the uptake. And no, her comment had nothing to do with money. Regardless of how this reads, or how unlikely it may seem, you are just going to have to trust me that this was very funny when it happened. Anytime you can laugh at yourself things must be reasonably o.k.
More than any other body part, my feet dictate when I am comfortable. When my feet are hot, I am hot. When they are not… you get the picture. Nothing is worse than a pair of socks with a misaligned seam. That damn thing will drive me far crazier than any idiot on the highway. A similar dynamic has ruled out a whole category of footware. When I was young I could not stand flip-flops (you may know them as sandals). You know, the ones you can find at just about any discount retailer. They are the ones made exclusively out of rubber and plastic, and smack against your feet with each step. Wearing a pair walking back to your car from the beach produces a virtual symphony of sound. Raise your heel with a touch of twist on the ball of your foot – “squeak”, push off – “smack”, and step forward – “squish”. SQUISH-SQUEAK-SMACK… SQUISH-SQUEAK-SMACK… SQUISH-SQUEAK-SMACK… and that’s just one foot, the one underneath that bag of beach stuff on your shoulder. The non-weight bearing foot fills in the harmony. O.K., back to my point. You would think that anything that eliminated the need for socks, and that damnable seam, would be just the ticket. Alas, there’s that piece of plastic that sticks up between your big toe and the next one over (your index toe?) that drives me up a wall. Yikes, I get chills just thinking about it.
You just knew that I had to tie Beth into this, didn’t you? Cheryl presented Beth with her first (and last?) pair of flip-flops. It turns out that she doesn’t like them either, not yet at least. Cheryl set them out on the floor just before Beth’s swim lesson this evening. Beth looked at them with trepidation. After a long pause she slipped both feet in part way. She stood there for several moments just looking down at her feet. Finally she took a few steps across the room, doing her best impersonation of a duck. She quietly slipped her feet back out and said, “I’m going to go get my shoes mommy”.
It’s o.k. Beth, I feel your pain.
Beth has really learned the value of money. If TV has taught her nothing else, it has shown her just how far $19.95 will go.
Many of her contemporaries plead with their parents to “just write a check” or “just go to the ATM machine”. Not our Beth. When we tell her we don’t have enough money for something, she tells us to “just put it on your credit card.”
“Daddy, I hate Anthony.”
“What’s wrong with Anthony?”
“He says mean things and I don’t like him”
“Sounds like you and Anthony don’t get along.”
“I get along just fine daddy. Anthony doesn’t.”
We have a weekday evening routine. Beth comes home from school. One of us (me or Cheryl) gets out Beth’s allergy prescription and her vitamin and gives it to her. Beth holds her nose, closes her eyes, swallows her Zyrtec (for allergies), convulses once or twice, opens her eyes, grabs her vitamin, and runs into the other room to watch TV.
On Tuesday Cheryl and I took advantage of the state holiday and made a trip to Target. Yes, a trip to Target is just that special. We picked out some new sheets for the bed in our family room. What, you don’t have a bed in your family room? We returned home and washed the new sheets. Later that day, when Beth was home, I made up the bed with the new sheets. As I was pulling the mattress of the bed to position the new skirt, I noticed several uneaten vitamins between the mattress and box spring. Here’s the first thing that comes to my mind: Beth was either raised by squirrels, or she doesn’t like her vitamins.
We have since modified the after school ritual.
There are days when everything seems to go just great… and then there are all of the other days. There are those other days when things are not particularly bad, but certainly not good. You make progress, but it seems that it comes despite some invisible, dark force lurking around the corner.
In a playful moment with your child, you slide in your stocking feet across the smooth living room floor. The stereo pumps energy into the air and life seems good. Then the dark force shows up. Your foot hits the half eaten, halloween gummy bear that has been laying in wait for someone in stocking feet to come sliding across the room. The coefficient of friction between your foot, the half eaten gummy bear, and the floor is much higher than you were counting on. Your foot stops as your upper body continues, nearly unabated. Your upper body changes velocity due to the change in heading – from straight ahead to arcing towards the floor.
Sprawl, flop, crash, topple, founder, lurch, stagger, careen, totter… aren’t thesauruses great fun?
It is well past Beth’s bed time on Halloween night. She has spent the evening foraging for sweets. The doorbell rings. It is another costumed youngster seeking treats. Beth darts to the door, eager to be the bearer of said treats. She hands out the candy with a grin of immense satisfaction. The experience leaves her hungry for more. She peers out the door, looking for more. Finding none, she steps out on the front porch. Beth’s parents tell her it’s time to come in and get ready for bed. She protests. Her parents beseech her not to ruin the good karma of a good evening. “Didn’t you have fun tonight?”, her mother asks.
“Yes, but I want to have more fun.”
Did you know that doctors will prescribe medication for something other than it’s originally intended purpose? An example is the hypertension drug minoxidil. People taking minoxidil many years ago may have noticed one of the side effects: “… may result in increased hair growth…. ” Doctors later figured out you could smear some on your head… and the rest was history.
Everyone is familiar with the standard reasons for having children: leaving a legacy in this world, extending the species, having a family, enjoying the pitter patter of little feet, and so on. Many parents will tell you that there is another, lesser known reason for having children: namely to test the structural integrity of your home and its furnishings. Parents of the world, who among you is not familiar with the crashing sound of falling objects followed by the “apologetic chorus” (as performed by your offspring)? Refrain: “I’m so sorry, so sorry….”
Five years ago, when we first moved into our new house, I hung my bicycle from the ceiling in our converted garage. I suspected at the time that I might have only grazed the outside of the stud in the ceiling, without hitting it dead center. It seemed solid at the time, so I didn’t think about it any further… until last night.
CRASH!
From the other room… “daddy, your bike fell down.”
Running from the other side of the house “Beth, are you o.k.?”
“I’m sorry daddy.”
“Beth are you o.k.?”
“I’m o.k. daddy.”
“Beth, do you know how the bike fell?”
Silence.
“Beth?”
Silence
Suspicious… “Beth, did the bike fall all by itself or did it have some help?”
Sheepishly… “It had some help.”
Always remember the second law of raising children: “any household implement that can be used as gymnasium equipment, WILL be used as gymnasium equipment.”
Bookshelves WILL be used as a step ladder.
Hanging bicycles will be used as a flying trapeze.
It doesn’t matter how well you raise your child, the temptation is there every waking moment spent in the house. No amount of conditioning can defeat that kind of temptation. Please plan accordingly.
And for God’s sake, PLEASE make SURE you hit the center of the stud with your anchors!
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Beth has known this from an early age. Now what do you think happens when the shortest distance between two points is also the hardest traveled distance between two points? If you are Beth, and the shortest distance has scaleable living room furniture in it’s path, then this is desirable. No, make that damn near impossible to resist.
I foresee a rearrangement of furniture in our future.