Category: Wellbeing

Do you ever have those days when your fuse is short, your patience is thinner than a sheet of tracing paper, the world is conspiring against you, and your fingers are numb from taking it all out on your keyboard? Have you ever arrived at this point without knowing why you need catharsis more than Pat Robertson stuck at a gay pride rally?

Deep, cleansing breath,

Yo, word.

(If pressed, the author will not be able to translate the last line of this entry. He’s currently suffering from too much exposure to “Da Ali G Show.”)

Two bagels with margarine, a glass of fruit punch flavored Gatorade, a Twix candy bar, and a Walgreen’s caffeine supplement? You call that breakfast? I’m not completely helpless down here you know. You’re going to start getting this breakfast thing right or there’s going to be hell to pay. What, you need some convincing? Don’t make me come back up there. You keep shoveling that crap down here and I swear I’ll send it right back. You’re familiar with the phrase, “return to sender?” What happened to the good old days when we settled in at work with an OJ and a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal? Hell, I’d settle for the bagels and Gatorade, but the sugar and caffeine have got to go. It’s me or them, and there’s only one of us you can live without. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the caffeine. Oh, poor baby, you’re tired? Get some sleep, for crying out loud.

It’s been a productive day thus far, and it’s time for a little ‘thank me very much.’ There is a red metallic cylinder sitting on my desk that is looking awfully good right now. It’s really not appropriate for the office, but it’s just too tempting to ignore. It’s not really good for me, but when did that ever stop me? The door to my office is closed, to hide from my coworkers. The top popped open and a little bit of air escaped. Oh, it smells so good.

Hold on for just a second. I’m going to toss a few swallows back, Oh yeah, that really hits the spot. I’m going to bring one of those foil packages of Teddy Grahams more often.

What? Were you expecting something else?

I’ll bet that one day ‘low-carb’ will be classified as an eating disorder. Anyone want to take that bet?

Can it cause in insufficient food intake?
Check.

Can it cause long term health problems?
Tentative check.

Will people ignore these factors in favor of being thin?
Are you kidding me?

Anyone willing to partake in the ‘new bike for John’ initiative is welcome to reply.

They say you can never go home again. But what if you never left?

Things change. Jobs evolve and responsibilities are added. Streets widen. Landmarks are bulldozed and new ones take their place. People get older. Belongings accumulate, break, and get replaced. Friends find new opportunities and move away. New friends are made. Relatives pass away. Children are born. Coworkers move on to new opportunities. Fresh blood is hired to fill the void.

So say we don’t leave home. Can home leave us? I guess that was the original point of the saying, wasn’t it?

I was recruited to serve on a secret task force within the Central Intelligence Agency. I was asked to join before I knew exactly what I was agreeing to, but I did so anyway. All I knew was that I would have to quit my job with the State of Florida. No problem, or so I thought. I was immediately whisked away to an office building. There was a comfortable looking couch inside and I was told to lie down and get some sleep. For reasons unknown I didn’t, but that was just as well. Within minutes the rest of the team assembled and a person of authority stepped forward. He told us that we would be trained to go without sleep. He told us we would learn the ancient Chinese secret to breathing under water. He demonstrated these skills by having an assistant open up a fire hose in his face. The muscles in his neck tensed as the roaring stream of water hit his face and went everywhere. Even in a dream, this seemed like an odd way to demonstrate breathing under water. The hose was shut off and he asked who would like go next. I decided I had made a mistake, but I was told that few people survived resignation from “the company.”

“I still work for the state, I still work for the state,.”

It was really dark in the room. The only thing visible was a glowing set of numbers which read: 1:44 a.m.

What? You’ve never had a dream where you are recruited to work as a spy, been offered training for something that is physically impossible, and later wished you still had your job in state government? Why isn’t the gold standard good enough for me? Why aren’t I dreaming about roaming the school halls in my skivvies, late for the final exams that I haven’t studied for?

Since late last night I’ve felt empty inside. I woke several times during the night; the feeling was always there. This morning I followed the normal routine, I woke up, I packed my work clothes, and I rode my bike to work. The empty feeling did not go away. If anything, it was worse. Something was clearly missing. Then I ate breakfast and everything was O.K. again.