Category: Wellbeing

They say that the effects of alcohol are greater if it is consumed on an empty stomach. Does the same thing apply to caffeine consumption? If your day was really dragging, would you get more bang for your buck by taking your caffeine before you eat rather than after?

Maybe it’s time for a little experiment. No control group for comparison? Heck, no ‘group’ to speak of, other than yourself? Who needs scientific method when you’ve got a bottle of pharmaceutical grade caffeine and a willingness to use it?

Someone is bound to ask whether I’ve been leaning on a caffeinated crutch a little too often lately. One too many trips to that well is bound to leave someone high and dry, and I may not have to look very far to find him. Well, let this be the turning point. Let this be where we face down the encroaching darkness, draw our line in the sand, and defiantly declare, “THIS FAR AND NO FURTHER!”

“Anything worth doing today will still be worth doing tomorrow.”
– excerpt from the procrastinator’s creed.

Oh don’t mind me; I’m just suffering through some garden variety fatigue. You see, yesterday I had a rough evening. There wasn’t anything special about it, just another night of the Lightning in the Stanley Cup Finals. Ho Hum. The score was really close through two periods, but that’s nothing new. I got about four and a half of my accustomed seven hours of sleep last night, but I figure its good practice for the new baby (coming soon to a Kauffman household near you!). So I’m a little tired. You know what? I’m having a great time. Cheryl sits in her pregnant perch, directing chores like a household quarterback running a two minute drill. I’ve been running around at work like a man with an unhealthy understanding of chemistry. Beth and I have retreated to the backyard every evening to, GASP, do yard work. YARD WORK!?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND MAN!?!

Yes sir, strange things are afoot in the Kauffman household (version 2.2). I’m exhausted. I’m working my tucchus off. Hell, I’m doing yard work every damn day. And yet, I’m unexpectedly content. I’ll admit that the prospect of Cheryl going on “managed bed rest” was a cause of concern within the cramped confines of my mind. Now it’s here and things don’t seem so bad. Granted, I still regard housework with the all the enthusiasm of a new proctology patient. I guess the secret really is how you approach things. Happiness can certainly be found in the strangest of places.

The other day someone at church said something that took me by surprise. A gentleman told me that he noticed that Cheryl and I still talked with each other like we were dating. It was something that stuck with me. It’s rather ironic actually. When Cheryl and I were dating, people used to tell us that we acted like an old married couple. Now that we’re married people are telling us that we act like we’re dating. Does that mean that we’ve regressed?

How does this all tie together?

Let me just say that despite my exhaustion; despite my occasional lack of youthful exuberance; despite the televised sports events driving me to an early grave; I feel alive. I feel good, and I feel my mood infecting others. I’ve seen the return of Cheryl’s innocent smile. I’ve seen the return of Beth’s playful innocence. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel the warmth of the sun shining on my face.

“Welcome to Life Savings. How can I help you?”

“Ah , yeah, I’d like to withdraw five years from my account.”

“Five years? Let me just pull up your account. O.K., it appears you can cover it, but are you sure you want take out that much?”

“Yeah, normally I don’t like to walk around with that much on me but I’ve been watching a lot of hockey lately and I seem to be going through it like a chain-smoking thrill seeker.”

“Alright Mr. Kauffman, you’re all set. As you know, company policy forbids me from revealing your remaining balance, but I do show your account has sufficient funds, so here’s your five years of life expectancy to spend as you choose. Have fun!”

Aren’t you fortunate to have a portal into the nooks and crannies of my day to day life? It’s an honor, I’m sure. In any case, here’s one more minutiae: my tooth hurts.

Carrying on in fine American tradition I have long put off taking advantage of western preventative dentistry, and now the piper must be paid. What vile organisms festering in my mouth have bored through enamel and bone to assault my poor exposed nerves? What techniques, largely unchanged from medieval times, will the dental practitioner employ to “help”? Will modern dentistry make liberal use of analgesics to avail me, or will relief from my pain only be found through loss of consciousness?* My vote is for analgesics, but medicine is not a democratic process. Nay, tomorrow I submit myself to the tyranny of the dentist’s domain – The Office.

There I go, by the grace of my HMO.

This entry was sponsored, in part, by the dividends paid from a largely sleepless night.
* extreme pain sometimes causes one to pass out, or so they say anyway.

I need help.

Ah, I know what you’re thinking, you knew that a long time ago. No, I’ve got something specific in mind.

I’m having flashbacks. I keep hearing a voice with a Canadian accent which says “Flyers score!” I hope that this problem will take care of itself by Thursday evening, but I don’t know if I can wait that long. Does anyone have any advice?

It would be so easy. My eyes want it so much. I could just let them close for a moment. Oh yeah, that’s it. Just for a few minutes. It feels so right to let them close. Every limb feels so heavy. Every movement seems to take three times the effort as normal.

Can’t I just sit here and rest for a moment? Maybe doze off for a few moments? Even sitting up in a desk chair, sitting motionless with my eyes closed, feels like heavenly bliss.

LOAF: v. to pass time at leisure; idle.

Loafing. Employees shall remain productive while performing their assigned duties or tasks during work hours, and shall not be idle, waste time, engage in idle talk or gossip. (from my employer’s personnel disciplinary standards and procedures manual)

It may be time for chemical intervention.

“Will that be a Mountain Dew or a caffeine supplement?”

Drastic times call for drastic measures. It may be time to bring out the big gun: Walgreens “Stay Awake”, 200mg caffeine supplement.

“Doesn’t supplement usually refer to something that your body needs? Your body doesn’t really need caffeine, does it?” Umm, it does right now.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Walgreens for producing a cheap, fast acting source of caffeine; and my boss, for having the wisdom to make Friday his weekly day off.

Recent history has ushered in more than its share of mood altering drugs for children. However, kids and their moods are no exception. If you can name a disorder your local pharmacist can name a couple of cures in a bottle, with an optional safety cap. There is one mood altering drug that has been with us for centuries. I am talking about sugar.

Who among the parents of the world have not sugared up a kid, only to see their efforts rewarded with a torrent of destructive energy? Less common is the similar effect in adults, but it happens. Take this morning for example. A week of traveling and a morning of bicycling left me a bit drained. Then someone shows up with freshly baked, fully sugared donuts from the local supermarket chain. (If you are not familiar with the Publix Bakery, then it is quite simply your loss.) Now I’m sugared up and I’m ready to rock and roll!

Accept no substitutes! Kneel before the king of all sweeteners!

If you suffer from chronic fatigue, ask your doctor if sugar would be right for you!
Possible side effects from sugar usage include weight gain, bad dental hygiene, and the mother of all energy crashes.

First, place a soft pillow under your head. Next, rest your feet on something higher than your head. Gently lean back into the pillow and hold this position. Something may distract you but it is very important that you hold this position for as long as possible. For maximum results, make sure you have the following items handy before getting into position: laptop computer, television remote, a bottle of your favorite beverage, any food that can be comfortably eaten from a reclined position, and a cordless phone. With the exception of the occasional bathroom break, you should be able to maintain this position for hours, provided you prepare yourself appropriately.

I want to warn you, it’s not as easy as it sounds. There will be those people who won’t understand you. They will try to get you to do things for them. They will try to bribe you. They will try to threaten you. They try to make you feel guilty. Just remember why you’re here. Embrace your fatigue. Be your fatigue. Wear it with pride. Let it be your motivation and your justification.

Steven Wright once said, “hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

If you should avoid salt when you suffer from high blood pressure, should you eat more salt if you have low blood pressure? Break out those saltines Cheryl! I may not be a doctor, but I’ve watched make believe doctors on TV.

Seriously, please don’t take my word for it. If you think you suffer from low blood pressure, ask your physician if a high salt diet would be right for you!

This message was not paid for by the United Salt Distributors of America (“we’re the other USDA!”).

This entry was typed up on a whim and is only meant to reflect the ideas meandering through the mind of the author at this moment in time. Any resemblance to actual people, groups, associations, or established medical practices with those portrayed in this entry is purely coincidental.