Category: Going for Broke

At the risk of tempting the technology gods perched upon their silicone throne, I have news of comfort and joy to share. I may have unexpected reason to renew my faith in my preferred computer maker. As of June 18, 2004, Apple has expanded their iBook repair program to include (possibly) my iBook. I didn’t even know I had The Qualifying Logic Board Problem.

At some point the glow of free repairs may dim, leaving behind the tarnish of a computer that broke when it shouldn’t have. Until that time I’ll revel in my temporary luster. There’ll be plenty of time for cynicism later.

As a general rule, metal is hard. When I say hard I’m speaking in relative terms, as in: metal is hard compared to human flesh. There are exceptions such as mercury, but we don’t typically run across open pools of mercury lying around; unless you work for the E.P.A. at a Superfund cleanup site.

Take a piece of metal and anchor it to another, larger piece of metal, and it’s still hard.

Run over that anchored piece of metal with your lawn mower, and it may become misshapen, but it will still be hard.

As it turns out, lawnmower manufacturers do not recommend that you run over metal hammock stands with their products. Not only will it make a sound that can wake the dead in the next county over (not to mention scare the pigment right out of your skin) but it can and will reek havoc with the hammock, the mower, its engine, and your nerves.

As a public service to all of you out there who may be thinking of trimming your hammock stand with a lawn mower, let me lead you through what might happen. This of course is all hypothetical. First, the metal of the mower blade rotating at approximately 3200 revolutions per minute will impact with the metal of the hammock stand with a loud metallic “WHACK”. The blade will embed itself in the metal of the stand. Depending on the quality of your hammock stand, it will not cut clean through. Due to the ringing in your ears, it will take a moment for you to realize that the engine of your mower is no longer running. It won’t take too much effort to pry your mower from the stand. When you do you will immediately see the effects of the impact on the stand. Now disconnect the spark plug and turn over the mower. Give the blade a couple of spins. You should notice that the blade now wobbles on the drive shaft rather than spinning cleanly in a circle. This is probably due to a bent drive shaft, which will require replacement of the engine (or more likely, replacement of the entire mower). Here’s how the service department of a lawn equipment dealer might describe the issue to you, “that blade is spinning 3200 times per minute and if it hits somethin’ then somethin’ is gonna give.” According to The Handbook for Better Business and Sales in the Lawn Maintenance Industry, fourth edition, this phrase loosely translates to Standard English as “you’ve got to be a special kind of idiot to run over something like that with a lawn mower.”

What fiscal quarter would be complete without a discussion about money. It just so happens that we got ours out of the way early this time. It is, after all, the start of the new fiscal quarter.

Cheryl wants to get a van. Mind you, we’re right there in the fiscal margin as it is. The last thing in the world we need right now, fiscally speaking (besides two more kids in day care), is a bigger car payment. The van talk hasn’t gotten serious yet, but that’s of little comfort. Major purchase talk takes off like nobody’s business when it reaches a critical mass, a point from which we may not be all that far. Lord, grant me the strength to say “no.” Then again, the secret may be avoiding The Showroom. One may fairly speculate about pheromones hidden in that “new car smell.” Maybe this is obvious to you, but I’m a little slow on the uptake… could it be that this is the real reason dealerships are in the “service” game? Maybe it’s not because servicing cars is profitable in and of itself, but because it brings people through the showroom on a periodic basis. I can see the research paper now… “A comparison of new car buying habits between those tied to the dealership for service and those with independent mechanics.” I’ll bet there’s even grant money available!

Oh, to be suitably qualified or motivated. Then again, maybe it’s not such
good idea.

Several years ago I got a free Palm OS handheld device. I wasn’t sure how much I would use one, but free is free. It turns out I used it a lot, so much so that now find that I can’t do without it. Today I found out what it was like to do without when mine broke. It turns out the little guys don’t react well to extremely sudden deceleration. Take an object and accelerate it at about 9.8 meters/second (squared). Let it accelerate for about one meter. Now stop it suddenly – applying the force necessary to stop it on a dime (so to speak). You’ll likely find (as I did) that a Palm OS handheld device won’t quite be the same after such an exercise. This evening I found myself parting with more of my hard earned money. I’d be upset but my brand spankin’ new Palm OS handheld device is tres chic. (Yeah, yeah – the frenchies rubbed off on me a little.)

Hey Beth, could you do me a favor? Could you take my laptop and drop it on the kitchen floor for me?

It all started innocently enough. “John, I hate this room.”
“Well, what exactly do you hate about it?”
“For starters, I hate those CD racks that sit on top of the counter next to the TV.”

Fast forward 24 hours. We emerge from another episode of “The Kauffmans get a trim” to find ourselves driving Eastbound on the road home. Inspiration hits me hard. “Cheryl, how about we stop by Lowes to look at shelving options?” The next thing you know we’re wandering the isles of handyman heaven. Thirty minutes later the three of us are carrying our shelving supplies, having spent only $50! Fast forward four hours. Two french bread pizzas, one recharging cycle on the drill, and a Colin Farrell movie later… those new shelves were hanging on the wall. There were not any missteps. There were no unforeseen problems. I just put them up.

Waiting for fate to balance the books is pure agony.

… but first an update on the water heater saga…

The last time we touched on this issue, the plumber had managed to botch two sequential appointments with a city inspector – one of which cost me 400mg of Ibuprofen. As you may recall, an inspection is required when a water heater is installed in our corner of existence.

Now that everyone is up to date, here’s the latest development. We are officially done dealing with the plumber. Afterall, fool me once… shame on you; fool me twice… call me gullible; fool me three times… well, that’s just not going to happen. My trusty wife called the inspector directly this morning and he came out to inspect the plumber’s work. If you were a betting reader, how much would you wager that the plumber’s work left the inspector wanting? If this were an off-shore, gambling web site you would be a winner! The inspector told my wife that there was a pipe leading outside that needed to be sealed with caulk. The inspector then advised us that we could just fix the problem ourselves, and that he didn’t need to call out the plumber to fix it.

Cheryl called me to see what I wanted to do.

“Hell no I’m not going to fix it myself! If the plumber was supposed to do it then he should do it. I don’t have any caulk, so I’d have to buy some, and I don’t think the plumber’s mistake should cost me any more money – even if it isn’t very much money. It’s a matter of principle.”

Cheryl relayed this message to the inspector. She called me later to say that the inspector was suprised that I wanted him to call the plumber back out. I don’t know why he was surprised, it seems perfectly reasonable to me.